


Zero Hour

by sagechanoafterdark



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Bucky Barnes Feels, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Heavy Petting, Mental Disorders, PTSD, Protective Bucky, Soulmate-Identifying Timers, Soulmates, Stupid Bucky, Sweet Bucky, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-12
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:27:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26970622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sagechanoafterdark/pseuds/sagechanoafterdark
Summary: Soulmates had become a novelty what with the Stark Industry created SM implant, once the cutting edge of tech yours was now just as out of date as a flip phone. With just 9 hours to go, you’re perfectly sure you don’t need a soulmate, that your life is fine without one and it’s more trouble than it’s worth. That is until you see those crystal blue eyes and awestruck smile. Now all that’s left is to find your way, together.
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes & Reader, James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader, bucky reader - Relationship
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	1. Count Down, The Binding

It was busy this morning, the streets were full of people rushing back and forth on this Saturday. Chattering into smartphones, ignoring the violinist that played across the street or stopping to listen; like more New Yorkers they were ignoring the world around them, too absorbed in their own lives to pay much attention. Heaving a heavy sigh, you sipped from the paper coffee cup in your hand. Your lazy Saturday seemed pretty typical. You woke up around nine, put on pants, walking your dog on the roof of the apartment, went to make coffee, discovered that your best friend and roommate forgot to buy said coffee, then wandered down to the shop a few blocks away for your morning magic brew.

Your shoe clad feet rested on the wrought iron chair across from you, scanning the crowds as they strolled past. It was sunny this morning, not a cloud in the sky, and warm for so early in the season. Managing to put your hair up in a messy bun as you dashed out of the house you were comfy in that old worn university sweatshirt, jeans, and sockless feet. You hadn’t bothered to do much of anything this morning, not after the long night of tossing and turning.

Three men brushed past you as they came into the patio, pointing at the adjacent table to your back. You didn’t make eye contact but smiled politely as they passed but not paying too much attention. Stretching your neck you rubbed it out of habit, still sore from pummeling your pillow all night long. Rolling your wrist over your eyes scanned the glowing digits, just under nine hours to go. Nine hours before you met your soulmate.

It was a hard night to sleep anyway, you felt restless all evening. But just as sleep had started to claim you your hand vibrated and you watched as the digits changed 16:14:10. Sixteen hours, fourteen minutes, and ten seconds. You’d been in a haze, your dog still laying on your legs, and could do nothing but stare at your wrist alone in the dark. You cursed yourself for even getting the implant to begin with and didn’t have the heart to mention it to Jola, your roommate, and best friend since kindergarten, who would no doubt pop a confetti cannon in your face when she found out.

Rolling your eyes you took another drink from your coffee cup and typed a quick message back to Jola that you were out for coffee and dropped it back on the table face down ignoring when it vibrated again. Yep, she’d definitely be throwing confetti when you hit zero hour.

It was a little more than fifteen years ago when you’d gotten that magical little implant that counted down to the moment you’d meet your soulmate. Fifteen years felt like a lifetime. It had been the day after you’d graduated high school, you showed up cash in hand to get the Stark Industry tech. Touted as some new space-age biological tech, your version was the first of its kind, breaking edge tech that you paid more than a small fortune for and it was now more outdated than a flip phone.

It worked with science you didn’t quite understand to display a countdown timer on your wrist in easy to read digits, telling you based on your current lifestyle and location how likely you were to meet and find that person you were meant to be with. Guaranteed or your money back. No telling if the guarantee was real or not.

After the first ones were introduced updates to the implant were frequent. Now people would get the newest model faster than they upgraded smartphones. That’s how Jola was, just last year you’d been sitting a few tables over when she’d offered to buy you a new one.

“(Y/N) I’ll pay for you to get the new one,” Jola said, never glancing up from her phone. “You can know more than just when it’s going to happen now. This new one estimates things like blood type, wavelengths, and occupations, eye color; there’s even an app to see what your babies will look like!” She showed you her phone screen with a bright smile.

You’d politely declined as if wavelengths were a real thing. 

Before the chip, meeting your mate was a one in a million chance; with the chip, the odds increased astronomically. When it did happen everyone described it the same, instantaneous. The world would fall away and your hearts would beat as one, forming a deep emotional connection that would transcend any distance. It had been termed soul binding. It was romantic. But the romance died when you had what was essentially an egg timer on your wrist, soulmates were now a novelty.

With a sigh, you wondered if finding your mate was even a good idea. You weren’t bitter, just realistic. Your life was pretty good now, you had a career, your bills were paid on time, an apartment, and the company of your best friend and dog. If you were honest the binding was what filled you with the most fear. Not all bindings lasted, some never even happening; rejection was real and it could be literally soul-crushing, and with your problems that was the last thing you needed.

The stories on Reddit were enough to terrify you and make you wish you’d never gotten the implant, to begin with. Jola was one of those. She’d found her soulmate but he’d rejected her outright; calling her all sorts of names and it had almost broken her; by some miracle, the guy’s wife found out and forced him into binding with Jo, after a little convincing on your part. The two were only friends, exchanging messages every so often to check on one another; but Jo told you that the bond they had was shallow and would fade in months. 

She’d been heartbroken that the person she’d been waiting her whole life to find was married with 3 kids and a life. Glancing down at the digits on your wrist that was the least of your immediate worries. Your clock hadn’t always been so close to zero, you couldn’t help but remember the times it wasn’t. When everything that made you human was taken away in an instant. 

Never in all of your life could you tell Jola that there were worse things than rejection. Closing your eyes you could remember everything, the screaming, the beatings, locking yourself in the bathroom in a vain attempt to escape. Tears springing to your eyes with a single look or snarled phrase and the blood from old wounds now healed. For fuck’s sake, your knee still aches sometimes when it rains.

After what was dubbed by your family as ‘the blow out’ with your ex it was one bad decision after another. A string of bad jobs and sleepless nights not to mention blows to your self-esteem. Seeking help was the best decision you made and you’d crawled up from the mud, bloody and broken but strong. You mended yourself back into a sensible person, knowing that all people weren’t as bad as him and that fairy tales weren’t real.

It hadn’t been long until the offer from The Post came, almost overnight you’d decided to move to New York. Luckily Jola had moved to NYC earlier that year and offered the spare room in her Williamsburg flat. True you had to take the subway to the office but it was almost a straight shot so the commute wasn’t terrible. Plus Jola wasn’t a bad roommate to have, she was usually gone to work at the insurance company or out surfing for a new beau. Things had begun to round out well in your life for once and you weren’t about to jinx it with the presence of another person.

Wincing you took another deep draught from your cup, wiggling in your chair once more. That was the past though, you were a different person now; stronger but still damaged. You’d managed to keep that life a secret from everyone, not even Jo knew. She’d tried to be a good friend, talk to you about finding your mate and assuring you it wouldn’t be like past men you’d dated or crushed on, that it would be real and genuine.

A snort of annoyance escaped you at that very thought. People’s lives didn’t match up like that, they rarely did. Now with nine hours to go you were contemplating jumping on a bus just to get out of town for a while, or maybe hole yourself up in your apartment to see the clock reset. Clandestine meetings weren’t your style anyway; at least that’s what you told yourself. 

The day was just crawling by at this point, early afternoon you were waiting to finish your coffee before heading back to the apartment to start getting ready. Unsure of what it was you were going to do outside of putting on clean clothes and makeup and definitely do something else with your hair. You wondered if it was even worth it to go the extra mile. What was the actual point?

The vibration scared you, making you jump and slosh your coffee onto your sleeve and gasp in surprise. “Shit,” you swore under your breath shaking out your now sticky hand and looking down at your wrist. Swallowing hard you felt a vibration in your hand, glancing down the timer changed once again. 5 minutes. 10 seconds. Your sneakers slammed down on the pavement with a loud clap as you looked at the dial in shock.

No. No. No! How the hell did it change so fast?

You stood the iron chair scraping against the pavement with a screech, your gaze frantic as you looked around at most of the faces now looking back at you. Fuck, it could be anyone.

The vibration came again. Glancing back down you saw it read 2 minutes. Panic and excitement swirled in your chest, accelerating your breathing. Okay, maybe it was just panic at this point.

Quickly tossing the cup into the trash and mumbling an apology to the people around you, you started walking quickly away from the cafe, head down and eyes a bit teary.

You weren’t ready for this. 

You weren’t ready.

You’d had 9 hours before, now it was down to just, 1 minute. “Fuck me.” You swore under your breath, hurrying against the current of the crowd. But no matter what way you turned you knew it wasn’t going to change anything. 56 seconds.

The breath caught in your throat as you bumped into a couple of people. Their rude exclamations ignored as you pushed past, panic and adrenaline pushed through you pushing tremors through your limbs. Managing to crash shoulder-first into the brick wall behind the coffee house. 

Your shoulder aching you slid down. Eyes fixed on your wrist. Breath ragged as you crouched holding your wrist out. 

You weren’t ready. 

This wasn’t the time for it to happen! 

It was almost an out of body experience as you watched helplessly as the clock ticked down. 

5\. 

4.

3.

2\. 

1\. 

0.

A heavy shadow fell over you, silhouetted against the blazing sun while you crouched next to the building staring at the zeros on your wrist. You would have laughed at how ridiculous it was if a tremor went through you as fear the likes you hadn’t experienced in years took you over. 

This was it. It was happening now. 

“Hey doll, are you alright?”

The baritone of his voice snapped you back to reality, you stood up slowly. Your breathing sounded loud to your own ears as the honking of cars and chatter of pedestrians dampened, the sound of a heartbeat filled your ears echoing. His hand reached down, guiding you to stand; the breath audibly caught in his throat. The sensation was overwhelming, a joy you hadn’t ever felt before flooded your body causing a shiver to course through you and goosebumps to prickle your skin. 

Yet to look up your head was turned down looking at his boots, laces tied tight and proper over the dark-washed jeans. He exhaled in a whoosh when his finger began to tip your chin, forcing your (e/c) gaze up to look into wide, teary, foggy blue eyes. You’d forgotten how to breathe. He was the picture of masculinity, defined cheekbones covered with a dusting of stubble, full lips, dark lashes; the works really. His hair was pulled back under a vintage Dodgers baseball cap, the bomber jacket he wore turned up at the collar. Tall and broad-shouldered you couldn’t dream up a more attractive man. He was absolutely dangerous and it thrilled you.

Blinking rapidly you felt a tear or two escape the corner of your eyes as the world around you came rushing back into focus. The noise from the street slamming into you and sounding almost deafening, the light brighter than ever and you both jumped when a car horn honked behind you. “I, um, I…” Before you could say anything you were enveloped in a crushing embrace, your chin smacking against something had on his shoulder making your teeth rattle. A strangled noise escaped him, almost sounding like a sob as he held onto you. His hands digging into your back as your face pressed into his neck. Oh, seven hells he even smelled amazing. Sandalwood, leather and… gun oil?

“It’s you isn’t it?” He asked in disbelief, breath whispering against your ear sending goosebumps along your arms once more. “It has to be.”

The disbelief in his voice was unexpected, you found yourself nodding your head. “It’s me.” Your arms wrapped around him tightly, hands feeling the strength in his shoulders as you gripped him tightly. A few more tears escaped the corners of your eyes as relief and a sense of sadness you couldn’t place began washing over you. He held onto you as if you would vanish at any moment, his face buried in the crook of your neck breath ghosting against your flesh. “It’s me,” you whispered, over and over like a mantra.

Constant thrumming in your chest beats pleasantly and calmly; a foreign feeling as your own emotions were prominent but there was something else now. A full feeling in your chest, like a hole, had been filled you never knew existed before. A piece missing and it had been him. 

“How did you know?” You whispered, face pressing further into his jacket.

“I was having lunch at the cafe with a couple of friends when you stood up,” he said, his voice vibrating in your chest. “We were right behind you. You looked absolutely terrified and I had to make sure you were okay.” He paused as if considering his next words. “Are you okay?”

A breathy laugh escaped you, unbelievable. “Yeah, I’m okay now. You followed me?”

He chuckled against you, the sound vibrating pleasantly against you. “It wasn’t hard to doll.”

Even though you wanted to ask him exactly why he though following an upset woman was a good idea your brain misfired, somehow finding it endearing. A blush crept over you as you realized what a scene you had to have made. Your grip tightened against him, feeling the muscles in his back tense as you held him closer. “I’m sorry for ruining your lunch,” you half laughed.

“S’okay. It was worth it.”

Slowly you begin to release one another from the embrace. Taking one hesitant step backward, your back pressed against the brick wall while wiping at the corners of your eyes, thankful you weren’t wearing makeup and horrified at the same time. You cleared your throat glancing up to see him doing very much the same with a gloved hand. “So, um what now,” you asked with a nervous laugh trying hard not to stare at him and failing.

Impossibly blue eyes looked just as lost as you did. That’s when you realized, “I’m Y/F/N by the way.” You extended your hand for a friendly shake as he gave a slightly lopsided smile.

“James Barnes,” he replied, taking your hand gently but shaking firm. “But, everyone I know calls me Bucky.”

A blush crept over your cheeks as his thumb brushed the back of your hand, rubbing a gentle circle when he didn’t let go of your fingertips. Suddenly fidgety and very unsure of yourself, you tucked a few stray strands of hair behind your ear out of habit. “So, I’m sure you want to get back to lunch,” you managed to ramble as you reached into your back pocket producing a business card and handing it to him. “If you’d like to get to know one another, um, my number is there. You can call or text, whenever, I’m usually always available.”

Feeling like a fool you were surprised when Bucky’s thumb traced over the card reading it. “I’d like that.”

“Al-alright,” you mumbled feeling your face turn scarlet. “So I guess I’ll be seeing you then,” the words escaped in a breathy rush as you looked towards the flow of pedestrians ready to make your embarrassing escape. Long ago you had decided that when the time came to meet your soulmate you’d leave the ball in their court when it came to staying in contact. There was no use second-guessing yourself if they didn’t want you. Turning toward the street again you gave a soft smile his way, “Enjoy your lunch, James.”

At the sound of his name his head snapped up to look at you, his hand reaching out and grasping yours to stop you. “Y/N.”

The way he said your name, you could swear there was a fleeting look of pain on his face as your eyes met his. You were right in deciding he was dangerous, he was going to make you do foolish things for sure. With one hand he reached up to cup your cheek, stroking under your eye for the briefest of moments before you both closed the space. His kiss wasn’t anything like you’d expect it to be, his lips were soft hesitant even, but you pressed back, unafraid of deepening the street side lip lock. He groaned into your mouth answering with a swipe of his tongue that pulled a whimper from your throat. Your heart hammered in your chest at the thought of kissing a total and complete stranger, but now he wasn’t a stranger anymore.

Bucky pushed you back against the wall not breaking the lip lock, his hips pressing against yours while your hand tangled in his hair, knocking the hat from his head the other caressing along his jaw. You briefly broke apart panting for breath, head spinning from the intensity as you tugged a little on his hair. He pressed his forehead against yours, breath fanning against your face, his gloved hand squeezing your right thigh you shamefully realized you’d raised in an effort to hold him in place.

Leaning back as much as space would allow you to look up at him through your lashes and the small smirk that played at the edge of his mouth. “Well, after a kiss like that, you damn well better call me.”

He laughed under his breath, hand squeezing your thigh a little tighter and you felt the blush heat your face once more when his hips pressed harder into your own. “How about we make it two and I’ll call you tonight?”

The smile he cracked crinkled the edges of his foggy blue eyes, but you hummed in thought for a moment, “You had better make it a good one then.”

A deep chuckle rumbled against your chest, “That’s the spirit doll.”

Teeth and tongue matched yours this time, his hips pressing against you firmly, a small moan of approval bubbled up from within. He growled back into your mouth and a shiver of excitement ran down your spine. You were soaring, dizzy, and drowning in the very feel of him. The smell of his cologne filled your senses dulling the sound of the street and pedestrians once more as they passed you. Your whole body felt like it was on fire and when his hips bucked into your own he was feeling it too. This was the binding. 

Your phone started to ring in your pocket and the both of you froze, ice water dumping over the two of you, he pulled away enough for you to groan and roll your eyes. “Calling me so soon?” You couldn’t help but joke, grateful when he laughed under his breath. 

Pulling the device from your pocket you glancing down at the screen it was Jola, her bright face smiling up at you on the screen, margarita in hand. A real groan sounded now, “Unbelievable.” You muttered under your breath, trying to wrap your head around being cockblocked by your best friend. “It’s my friend.”

“Take it,” he said, stepping further away from you and dropping your leg, much to your disappointment, as he cleared his throat. His gaze dropped to the pavement for the briefest of moments he looked, conflicted.

You answered the phone more annoyed than ever, “What Jola?”

“Oh. My. God. Y/N you won’t believe what just happened to me. You know that guy I was talking about at the corner deli the super handsome one Mark well we got to talking and…” As she rambled into your ear your irritation with her grew. 

Half-heartedly listening to your friend your focus was on Bucky, he was currently watching as people wandered past, stealing a glance or two your direction. His kiss swollen lips parted, blue eyes flitting from the strangers walking past and back you, the smallest of creases edging between his eyebrows. Whatever he was thinking about it was clearly distressing as the edges of his mouth turned down in a fleeting grimace. Your own brow furrowed as he stooped down to pick up the cap you’d knocked from his head during your impromptu make-out session.

You didn’t like that look at all. “Hold on a second Jola,” you said, phone dropping from your ear you reached out towards him. “Hey,” you breathed out catching his attention briefly. Fisting a hand into his jacket you smirked at the surprise that now filled those sad blue eyes as you pulled him forward kissing him once more, your tongue swiping at his lower lip and giving a little bit of a nibble; pulling just far enough away with a smile.

“You had better call me James Barnes,” you whispered against his lips. Releasing him with a smug smile you could hear Jola squawking on the phone in outrage at being put on hold. You held his piercing gaze as you pulled the phone up again. 

“Yeah, I’m here. Sorry about that, so, the guy at the deli huh?” You replied, giving your new mate a casual wave and what you hoped was a coy smile as you began walking away down the street. Butterflies beating around in your chest like mad you tried to keep your pace natural but found yourself pushing past a couple of people hurriedly as you rounded the corner. Swearing on your life, you could feel those impossibly blue eyes on you the entire way.


	2. Call Me Maybe?

His mind felt cloudy, but in one of those pleasant ways; like it would after a full night’s rest, leaving him wondering if what had just happened was real at all. Did he just find something he was positive he’d left behind for the war? Something he was positive Hydra had robbed him of after decades in cryo. A life mate. The missing piece of his soul. The overwhelming sensation in his chest coupled with the lingering taste of you on his lips and strain in his pants told him it was real indeed.

The once pristine business card you’d handed him was now crumpled on the edge as he stared at the digits, committing them to memory. (Y/F/N), Production Assistant and Layout Specialist. Tucking the card away on the inside of his jacket Bucky began to wander back to the table. It had taken a considerable amount of willpower to let you walk away after he’d only just met you. His well-trained eye noting how your shoulders squared and the nervous shuffle as you hurried around the corner listening to your friend.

Tugging at the bottom of his jacket as he rounded the corner, back to the café patio, his lips quirked into a half-smile; thoughts of your first kiss together playing through his mind, then the second, and finally the last. His hands could remember the curve of your hip, the softness of your lips and the tug of your hands in his hair; clearing his throat as he reached out pulling out the chair and flopped down, his mouth suddenly dry.

Reaching forward for the now sweaty glass of ice water he downed nearly all of it in one gulp, Steve and Sam seemed to have been locked in conversation when he’d come back but he couldn’t bring himself to pay much attention until Steve bumped his foot with his own. “So,” the super-soldier asked, before shoving a chip in his mouth. “You figure out what was going on?”

“It was her Steve,” he found himself saying, voice sounding foreign even to his own ears. His fingers itched to pull out your business card again, just to make sure it was real and had not dissolved into nothing.

Blonde brows drew together as he flicked back the cap he wore, following Bucky’s distant gaze across the busy street. Steve couldn’t see anything out of the ordinary, he shifted his fake glasses down enough to get a better scan of the crowd and still seeing nothing out of place. His gaze shifted back over to Sam who sat chewing a fry and looking at Bucky curiously.

“What are you talking about?”

“It happened exactly like you said it did,” Bucky recalled, thinking about the overwhelming sense of excitement and then calm that flooded his senses the moment he’d touched your shoulder. Licking his lips nervously, he could still almost taste you. “Just like when you and Peggy met. It all, it all just fell away.”

The waitress behind Sam bumped into him accidentally, causing the table to jolt and Sam’s drink to tip over. “Oh shit,” he exclaimed, quickly sopping up the mess with a wad of napkins.

“Language,” Steve reprimanded offhandedly, passing the man more napkins from the dispenser. “Buck I don’t know what you’re talking about. Back with me and,” the phrase dawned on him, a dazed look in Bucky’s eyes confirming it.

“Your mate!?” He all but yelled drawing the eyes of a few other diners. Clearing his throat he leaned in closer, almost at a whisper not wanting to pull more attention to them. “You’re saying you found your soulmate? Here. Today?”

Beside him Sam snorted, clapping him on the shoulder and giving it a little shake. “Congratulations man,” he said with a half-smirk, that unique sense of mirth seeping through his voice. “So who’s the unlucky lady?”

Bucky’s brow furrowed when he looked at Sam, wrinkling his nose in distaste. “Could you not.” Though things between himself and Sam had grown into a fast friendship something about the teasing jibe had struck a sensitive nerve, was she unlucky for being mated to him.

“I’m only kidding,” he joked, holding up his hands in defense. “I’m happy for you I really am, after the way things were, you deserve something like this.”

“What’s her name,” Steve had the common sense to ask, his expression still stunned but curious, the food on his plate now completely forgotten.

Reaching into his pocket, he produced the business card you’d handed him. “(Y/N).”

Blue eyes studied the card carefully, the obvious creasing and foxing already present on the edges speaking volumes. He flipped it over, looking at the plain white back for a moment before eyeing the front once more, the bright red logo at the top bothering the super-soldier more than it should have. “She works for The Post?”

“Could be a reporter,” Sam said, his brows drawn together in both thought and concern. There were various reporters always looking to get a good scoop on the Avengers, especially after the compound had been decimated and they’d moved back into the New York tower. The compound was near enough rebuilt and would open again by the end of summer. The ever watching eye of the media gave every member of the team a sense that New York didn’t want them in their city, especially after the Chitauri, none of them wanted to put the city in danger.

The Capitan shook his head, looking over the edge of the fake glasses he wore. “Hm, I doubt it. Card says Production Specialist and Layout, whatever that means. If she was a reporter she’d have said it on the get-go.”

Bucky could feel Steve’s eyes on him, studying him intently looking for a sign if something was off. Not that he could blame Steve, ever since he’d come back from Wakanda the man had watched him like a hawk. Even if he hadn’t been a brainwashed assassin for decades, Steve had his own reasons to be more than suspicious when it came to his state of mind. Still, his lips quirked at the thought of seeing you once more, his gaze distant, he’d definitely deny it later when Sam called him lovesick.

Steve cleared his throat, satisfied with whatever it was he saw in his friend and looked down at the sandwich on his plate. Lifting it and taking a bite as he chose his words carefully. “Are you sure on this one Buck?”

The phrase was eerily familiar. In fact, he’d said the same thing to Steve. It was a few nights after the Hydra compound raid when Steve rescued him and the Commandos. The super-solider had come back to their quarters with what was no doubt the same stupid smile Bucky was currently sporting. He’d kissed Peggy, she’d been his soulmate and the rest of the evening was spent with a blissed-out Capitan Rodgers recounting exactly how it had happened and humming that stupid and annoying song from the pub on the bottom bunk.

“Steve,” he said, staring him in the eyes. “I don’t think I’ve been more sure of anything in my entire life.” He turned the card over and over in his hand, twirling it between his fingers, nervous energy he’d never quite felt taking hold as he looked at the glossy black number. A short string of curses fell from his lips as a cold realization dawned on him.

“What is it,” Steve asked drink poised in his hand.

“I have to buy a phone,” he all but spat out.

Beside him Sam let out a bark of laughter, slapping his hand on Bucky’s shoulder for the second time that day. “Oh man, welcome to the twenty-first century!”

It was almost sunset, the hours of the day had waned and you were enjoying the evening sitting on the fire escape outside your apartment. At least you were trying to enjoy it. Having been nursing the same beer for a half-hour your hands continued checking your phone like clockwork. You’d been doing it every hour on the hour and the obsession was doing more than just annoying you.

You checked it every time you came back from the bathroom.

When you helped the elderly neighbor with her groceries and while you were in the basement doing laundry, god knew the signal down there was awful.

No missed calls all day.

He’d said he’d call you tonight but as the sun started to set you became unsure. Jola hadn’t been home when you got back, still out with deli guy Mark on their first date, but as it vibrated against the metal grate with an unknown number your hand scrambled to pick it up. When a shaky hello came out you cursed yourself. “Hello, this is an important message from your wireless company…”

“Fuck,” you swore aloud ending the call. “Fucking cold callers!” Setting the phone back down you buried your hands in your face and couldn’t help but feel stupid as a dozen scenarios ran through your head for the millionth time that day.

Maybe he was just busy.

Maybe he lost your card.

He could be tying up loose ends, breaking up with a girlfriend. No way was a man like that single.

Oh shit, what if he was married.

Your stress-addled brain came up with every excuse known to mankind before settling on the most obvious. Maybe he didn’t want to call you at all.

With a loud groan, you reached for the beer at your side taking a long swig from the bottle. Weekends were the worst and left you restless, being a lower production specialist you weren’t needed in the office and got to enjoy weekends off but right now it meant you couldn’t bury yourself in work either.

Sensing your anxiety from inside the apartment your dog came over to the window with a whine and grunt, the Border Collie mix climbed up and out, wiggling her head under your hand in both an effort to calm you and to get much-deserved attention. “Sehr gut.” You praised, scratching behind her ears as your voice began to turn sickeningly sweet as you spoke to her. “I’m sorry Starr. Momma’s just an idiot.”

The phone vibrated and rang again, this time you answered with much less enthusiasm. “Hello,” you almost groaned out, taking another sip of beer.

The other end was quiet for a moment. “(Y/N)?”

Air caught in your throat and you made an audible choking sound as you swallowed wrong. “J-James! Hi, um hello,” you coughed, clearing your throat trying to search your mind for what to say next. “I’m glad you called.”

He chuckled into the phone. “That happy to hear from me?”

“Ha! Wouldn’t you like that,” you teased back, face flushed in embarrassment. He even sounded hot over the phone; you were in so much trouble. “I’m just surprised is all.” That wasn’t a lie, not twenty seconds ago you were telling yourself he wasn’t going to call at all.

There was another breathy laugh into the phone, “Sorry it took so long. I had to go buy a phone.“ He paused for a moment. "Listen, (Y/N), something came up and I wanted to tell you that I have to go out of town for a few days, but, but I should be back at the end of the week. I-I was wondering if you wanted to when I get back…” His sentence cut off as there was a muffled noise that sounded like scolding as he shouted a muffled reprimand to someone in the background about him being on the phone.

Brow furrowing in the confusion you laughed under your breath at the shuffling noise and what sounded like someone falling on the floor. “Bucky is everything okay?”

“It’s fine, just some punk I know.” He said with a half-laugh in his voice. There was an awkward squawk of outrage in the background as a door closed. You couldn’t hold back the giggle at the long sigh that escaped him. “There. So, like I was saying.”

“I’d love a date Bucky,” you said, taking another drink of your beer as the butterflies went crazy. “You said next week? Why don’t you text me when you get back in town and we’ll set up a time and place. I usually work late but, I think I can make an exception for a good kisser like you.”

There was a strangled noise from the other end of the phone and Bucky cleared his throat. “It’s a date doll.” He was quiet for a moment, both of you unsure of how to end the conversation. “I’ll talk to you soon then.”

“Definitely,” you breathed out smiling like a fool when your dog jumped back into the apartment, her tail swishing the lamp next to the window causing it to crash to the floor. A startled yelp jumped from your throat as you turned towards the noise, leaning in the window as the dog scrambled away half shouting, “Shit, Starr are you okay?” She peeked from around the couch ears flat to her head as you saw the once adorable thrift store lamp now in about ten pieces.

“What’s going on?” There was a genuine concern in his voice and it snapped you back to the phone conversation.

Oh damn. “Oh I’m sorry it’s my dog, she knocked over a lamp.”

“Y-you have a dog?”

“Mmhmm, she’s a sweet thing. Kind of big I guess for the city but she’s actually my therapy dog.” You said the tone in your voice changing as you stroked her ears choosing to leave the other symptoms out. There was plenty of time for that later. “Oh, wait, do you not like dogs? Are you allergic?”

“N-no I’m not allergic,” he stammered into the receiver, you could almost hear the smile on the other end. “My neighbor had a dog when I was growing up, was the closest I got to having one.” There was a knock from the other end of the phone and someone shouting what sounded like ‘wheels up.’ He exhaled heavily. “I have to go; I’ll text you when I get back.”

“Alright,” you conceded sadly. “Goodnight Bucky. Have a safe trip.”

“G’night (Y/N).”

Ending the call you breathed out a heavy sigh, the butterflies in your stomach doing flip flops. He’d actually called, yes it was to tell you he’d be out of town but still he’d actually called. Out of town for a week, you wondered what exactly that meant. The vagueness of the phrase bothered you but then again you barely knew him. Taking a deep breath you tried to calm the foreign nervous energy you felt, but when it receded too quickly you knew it had to be something more.

A few fleeting thoughts crossed over you and before you realize it you were opening the web browser on your phone and had “James Barnes” typed into the search bar. Your thumb hovered over the enter key. Was doing an obscure internet search for him really what you wanted to do? Would you want him to do the same? There was no telling what you would or wouldn’t find, especially on the internet. How reliable was that exactly? Would you want him to search for you on the internet, make assumptions based on your visible digital footprint? Nervous energy swamped you at that moment. No. Quickly you held down the backspace key

Clearing your throat you looked down at the broken lamp and pocketed your phone. Shuffling past Starr and into your room to put on your shoes you came back and began picking up the pieces, carefully throwing them in the nearby trash can and pulled out the vacuum running it around the whole room. You kept thinking about doing the search, no doubt if Jo was here she’d have weaseled it out of you already and done a full FBI background check. There was a thumping noise on the floor from the downstairs neighbor that made you roll your eyes as you turned off the machine. If that woman banged on the floor with a broom one more time before the building implemented quite hours you were going to lose it.

Another wave of calmness swept over you, making your skin flush and a shiver run down your spine. “What the hell is that?” You asked the room, hand over your chest as your heartbeat a little faster. Concern that wasn’t yours flashed over your consciousness and receded just as quickly as it had come. Your brows drew together, “What the hell?”

It almost felt like a side effect of your medicine, but you hadn’t had an episode in months so there was none in your system. The uneasiness you felt didn’t help and soon spiraled into panic as you tried to come up with any other cause besides a heart attack when you looked down at the zeros on your wrist. The bond, could it be that? It was new and you hadn’t felt so disoriented before but, maybe. Pulling out your phone again you threw yourself down on the couch and typed “soul-bonding side effects” into the browser.

Truth be told you’d felt strange ever since this morning, trying to push past how truly stunned you were was harder than you thought. But after a few hours, you felt more in control as if your emotions were finally in check but just barely. There were fleeting moments of annoyance while you were doing laundry but had put it off as how annoyed you were with checking your phone and not having a good signal.

Your eyes scanned the results finding a semi credible research paper by a doctor about the effects of a bond. Reading down the bulleted list you found none of the symptoms matched what was happening until you reached the section of full bonds. At the top of the list was empathetic readings from your partner, there was a list of ways to reach them through a bond along with statistics and percentages of how likely a deep bond was. Odds were not in your favor.

Tossing your phone on the coffee table you huffed, so it was highly unlikely that you had any kind of a deep bond with him. The types of soulmate bonds varied and the majority didn’t have them at all. You felt a flutter in your chest, still. Closing your eyes you concentrated, pulling up both affection and composure you’d only managed to find after years of self-searching and medication. The answer was one you hadn’t expected, surprise pushed back against you and you actually cried out in shock. Tears pricked at the edges of your eyes as a smile tugged at the edge of your mouth as goosebumps formed all along your arms.

“Holy shit!” Your hands flew to your phone to text Jo but stopped. Looking over at Starr as she nudged your hand and looked up at you with wide empathetic eyes. If you told Jola she was likely to pop a confetti cannon in your face, maybe scream and begin her vigorous online research. All the things you didn’t want to happen. “Maybe telling Jo isn’t the right thing. I’ve just got to play it cool right?”

Just play it cool. The butterflies flapped around in your stomach as you thought about him, James Barnes, he smelled like sandalwood and gunpowder and his kiss tasted like the cheesecake from the diner. Your face heated with the thought of knowing what he tasted like, the three kisses you’d shared were enough to entice him into calling you, but you’d still had lingering doubts. His hands were firm not straying from your hips, so he respected you even though his tongue had slipped into your mouth. Or had it been yours first? Sighing you leaned back on the couch, either way, he was an interesting character that was for sure.

Keys jingled against the door as it opened and closed. “I’m back Chika,” Jo’s voice shouted from the entryway as her keys hit the bowl. “Are you home? I have so much to tell you.”

Looking back at Starr you smiled, “Just play it cool.”


	3. First Date Disasters

Nearly a week later, you had made two mistakes on the same day and knew for sure that fate enjoyed laughing in your face. The first mistake had been leaving your phone unattended on the coffee table. It was late on Thursday night and you’d actually managed to get home at a decent hour. 

In fact, you’d prided yourself on not checking your phone every single hour while waiting for a text message from Bucky this week. You were the epitome of playing it cool, having barely glanced at the device all day. So the fact that fate herself kicked you in the shin when he happened to text today shouldn’t have been such a surprise. It was even less shocking when you weren’t even the one who saw it first.

Jola had been sitting on the sofa reading when the phone vibrated loudly against the coffee table. Reaching over, your friend unlocked the phone seeing the notification. “Hey, you have a text from… Bucky?” She said it with a confused scrunch of her nose.

With the speed that most ninjas would envy, you leaped across the room reaching for the phone and effectively falling on the floor as Jola jerked it out of your reach, she stood over you now wiggling it in the air. “Who’s Bucky?” Her voice was leering as she swiped the messaging app down. “Hey Y/N,” she read aloud, her tone was teasing. “Just got back. Let me know when works for you. When what works Chika?”

“Jo, don’t start please,” you pleaded from the floor reaching up pitifully towards the glowing object. For such a tiny human being Jola was always incredibly hard to get items away from. “Just give me my phone so I can text him back.”

Your hand flailed out in a poor attempt to grab it back, you were reaching with your left hand, wrist exposed; that was your second mistake of the night. With a loud squawk, Jola grasped your wrist and turned it over, staring at the zeros. You’d yet to have the implant removed or deactivated and figured it would be a couple of weeks before you got around to it. So really it was three mistakes. 

“You hit zero hour,” she screeched in excitement leaping off the couch and running to her room. 

Rolling over onto your back you heaved a heavy sigh, so it begins. 

Her feet thundered into the room, sliding Risky Business style with a fist full of party poppers she yanked the cords on all seven. Their loud bangs ringing your ears as you were showered with paper streamers and confetti bits.

Covering your face with both hands you couldn’t stop the groan of embarrassment as the bits of paper rained down on you. Rolling over to stand up as colorful confetti still showered down on you and your hands pulled pieces from your hair. Staring at your friend as she chanted over and over again, zero hour. “I am made of questions right now,” Jola exclaimed giddily, her hand still clutching your phone.

“Well save them,” you said with a huff, standing and yanking the phone from her hand and shaking confetti from your ponytail. Your eyes scanned over the message, he’d texted you just like he said he would and it made little butterflies flutter in your chest.

“What’s his name?”

“Bucky,” you said in a clipped voice, trying to avoid telling Jola anything important. She’d already seen his name on the display for your phone so it was too late for that. Over the last week, you’d decided to tell Jo as little as possible. She was coming from a good place but Jola Reid had a bad habit of meddling and the last thing you needed was someone meddling in your potential love life. 

It didn’t help that with that little snarky comment Jola looked a little more deflated as she threw herself into the couch again with a pout. “I’m sorry Jo, but I just want to get to know him without any of the bells and whistles. It’s going to be tough enough that we’re mates.”

“Wait,” she exclaimed standing, the messy bun on her head jostling a little. “Does he not want you? Did he **reject** you!”

“No, no, trust me. He wants me,” you chuckled, thinking about how he’d pressed you against the coffee shop and kissed you. But a lingering thought wormed its way into your head, with a sigh you threw yourself down on the couch beside her.“I just, I don’t know how long that will last. He looks about the same age as me but that doesn’t mean anything. I don’t know anything about him.”

Jola looked sad now, her brown eyes wide and teary; you could swear she could give your dog a run for her money with that kind of look. She sat beside you on the couch, holding tight to your hand and giving your leg a comforting pat. “Oh sweetie, it’s going to be alright. Mates don’t work like that, you know, they care about you unconditionally. It’s even like that between me and Thom, sure he’s not my type and he is married but I still care about him and I know he cares about me even if we can’t be together.”

You snorted looking back down at your phone, “Thom’s wife must be a saint. If someone as cute as you had been anywhere near my husband I’d have blown a gasket.” You paused, swallowing hard and scrunching your nose. “I’m scared Jo.”

“I know Chika, but you’ll never find what you want if you don’t take the leap.” The two of you fell silent for a moment when she turned and grinned at you, slapping your knee playfully. “Now then, you reply to his text and I’ll finish dinner.” Humming a tune you’re sure you’d heard a thousand times on the radio she wandered to the kitchen.

Taking a deep breath you tried to calm your racing heart. It was just a text, nothing complicated. Swiping the screen you hastily typed out ‘Thanks for getting back with me how about Friday’, then deleted it. Changed it to ‘Saturday’, and then deleted it. With a long huff, you finally settled on, ‘Good to know you made it back to town in one piece. Give me a call and we’ll set something up.’ Hitting send before second-guessing yourself again you sighed heavily throwing your head back into the cushions. “I told him to call me. I feel so supiiiiiiid!” You groaned out, much to Jolas barking amusement.

When your phone started to ring in your hand you shrieked. Heart hammering in your chest you saw the letters of his name illuminate the screen. “Holy shit is that him calling you already!” Jo exclaimed from the kitchen.

You turned to shush her and answering the phone. “Hey, Bucky.”

“Hey.”

Jo made a kissy face at you while you gestured for her to just leave you alone. “How was your trip,” you tried congenially.

“It was… eventful.”

“Oh, see anything interesting?”

He was quiet for a moment contemplating it, and let out a breathy laugh. “Prague looks the way I remember it.”

“Prague huh,” you laughed a little turning around on the couch and trying your best to ignore your best friend who was gesturing wildly at you. “Can’t say I’ve ever been, London is about as far overseas as I’ve ever made it.”

A clipped laugh escaped him, “London is alright.”

“Well I take that back, I’ve been to Scotland, but I don’t think you can count Edinburgh if you don’t remember it too well. In my defense, there was a scotch tour.” Jo came into your field of vision holding up a notebook, she’d written in big black letters. _‘Stop talking about your ex!’_ complete with a tiny frowny face. “So, um, about that date; how does tomorrow sound? I’ve been getting off work around 6 pm lately. I can meet you somewhere in Manhattan if you’d like, that’s closer to you right?”

There was a stretch of silence on the phone. “How did you know I live in Manhattan?”

It was your turn to chuckle. “Please, you were wearing genuine Gucci jeans, sweets. Not many people wear that outside of downtown, accept for Soho I guess.”

He hummed into the phone, “Tomorrow works and I can pick you up from work if you like.”

“Curbside service from Mr. Barnes, why I would never imagine.” You couldn’t help yourself he seemed just a little too fun to tease. Plus the breathy laugh he would give into the phone gave you a pleasant little thrill down your spine.

“You’re something else, doll. I’ll pick you up at six then?”

You hummed into the phone. “Make it six-thirty. Then I can at least put on a fresh face for you.”

“A fresh face? You looked great when we first met.”

That threw you off big time, his breath hitched into your ear and you realized he didn’t mean to say it. Your heart started to hammer in your chest and a small smile of embarrassment made you flush. “You’re too sweet Buck. A liar, but sweet. I’ll see you tomorrow, don’t be late.”

“I won’t. Goodnight Y/N.”

“G’night James.”

You ended the call heaving a huge sigh of relief. At least talking to him on the phone was a little easier this time, a lovesick smile spread on your lips as you thought about what to do tomorrow and a pleasant buzz in your chest told you just how he was feeling too. No doubt he’d take you somewhere, but you had no idea where; really all you could think about was getting another kiss out of him.

Jo came back around the couch her face looking grim as she held her phone in her hand. “What’s wrong Jo?”

“Did you say his name was Bucky?”

“Yeah,” you said brow furrowing. “Well his real name is James but…”

“James Barnes,” she said again in partial disbelief her eyes glued to her phone. “His name is James “Bucky” Barnes?” Her eyes flicked up from the screen to your face several times as you nodded on the couch, not liking where this was headed. “Un-freaking-believable,” she muttered her brow scrunched together.

“Jo?”

She tossed her phone at you, smacking right into your chest. Picking it up your eyes doubled in size at the pair of blue eyes stared back at you from her screen. It was him, Bucky. He was walking down a crowded street with another guy beside him, his face was annoyed, his eyes still just as sad as he looked into the camera with a scowl. _‘Winter comes early to Brooklyn’_ was the headline, but you couldn’t believe it. “Congratulations Y/N,” Jo said next to you. “You’re mated to an Avenger.”

By mid-afternoon the next day, you were, for lack of a better description, dragging ass. Unable to concentrate all day your leg was constantly jiggling with impatience and your handwriting became sloppier by the hour. Cursing you tried to clear the cobwebs from your mind, but nothing seemed to work. You were stuck on Bucky.

After last night’s revelation, you’d begun to come to terms with the fact that Bucky was an Avenger. But he wasn’t just any Avenger, as if they were all normal people anyway, he was one of the most controversial ones; the Winter Soldier. Having stayed up well into the night reading any and all articles you could find, this morning your head was spinning with tabloid theory, speculations, and one Buzzfeed article about how you could wash your clothes on his abs along with a slew of candid photos.

“I can’t believe he never said anything,” you mutter to yourself, red pen in hand. “How hard would it have been to throw that into the conversation on the phone? _I’ll pick you up at six and oh, I’m actually an Avenger so of course, I live in Manhattan._ ” You mocked, shaking your head and switching to a new stack of papers. “Boys are so stupid.”

Thinking about it now you wouldn’t believe how you’d missed that he did something dangerous. Three nights after he’d left for his trip out of town you’d woken up in a cold sweat, your dog waking you up and bringing you the bottle of panic medication you desperately needed. You’d rarely had a panic attack when you’d been sleeping, but you gulped down the medicine and laid back down with a pounding heart. The reaction had come from the bond, which was still very new and you focused on breathing exercises and counting to calm yourself back down; pushing that feeling through the bond as best you could.

Knowing it worked when the answering caress of comfort reached you only to have the feelings of chaos withdraw completely. You’d fallen asleep quickly after that, the medicine working its own magic. The bond worried you if you were able to feel him there was no way he couldn’t feel you and the nervous knot in your belly all day was one hundred percent you.

Rubbing your eyes in frustration there was only an hour left in the day and you could get some much-needed rest this weekend and calm your frazzled nerves. The big team meeting was on Monday and most of the day had been spent scrambling to piece together the layout for the much anticipated Independence Day Issue. You were the lead on production this year and this surprising issue featured a fully vintage 1940’s style printing that was ambitious as hell. Of course, your editor had insisted weeks ago that no Independence Day issue was complete without a full spread on Captain America himself.

With a heavy snort you glanced over at the board and the vintage photo you’d managed to dig up of Captain America in the original uniform. Now it was a kick in the face when last night you’d gone through the photos on Google; Bucky was with Captain Steve Rogers in most of the photos but also with Falcon or Sam Wilson, who Jo had an obvious crush on if her phone wallpaper was any clue. Looking at each and every grainy cell phone photo, reading each article and clicked through a slew of sites you realized something heavy; Bucky looked absolutely miserable. His smile never seemed genuine, in one particular candid photo with Steve his hand clapped on the man’s shoulder. Steve laughed heartily but the smile Bucky returned never reached his eyes not like you’d seen it when he looked at you. It was an overwhelming thought and one you’d managed to shove into the back of your brain for later.

If you should be feeling anything it’s foolish. How could you have not realized who he was? His face had graced your newspaper more than a dozen times since you’d taken the job here. Why hadn’t you at least Googled his name? You’d been about to do it weeks ago, but no, you wanted to find out about him the old fashioned way. What good is old fashioned when the guy you’re sweet on is friends with Tony Stark. With a startled gasp you realized he’d probably profiled you the second he’d gotten back to the tower. The empathy you felt quickly changed to outrage. That son of a-

The phone next to you rang and you mindlessly picked it up, “Hello, layout this is Y/N.”

“Don’t you have a date to get ready for?”

It was Jo, you glanced over at the clock it was already a quarter after six. You sighed heavily into the phone, tapping your pen against the desk “I, I don’t know if I should go now Jo.” The shriek that Jo let out over the phone rang into your ears making you jerk the receiver away. “Well, I was reading last night and… well, he’s just, he’s kind of a big shot you know.”

“Look I know you’re overthinking it’s kind of your thing. But you’re a big shot too okay.” She encouraged firmly through the receiver. “You’re the most badass person I know. You’re kind, brave, sassy, can kick anyone’s ass, got one hell of an ass and you’re his life mate! Who cares if he’s a fucking hero! He’s **your** fucking hero! Now go shoot your shot and fuck that hero Y/N!”

She didn’t let you respond instead she hung up on you the second she was done with her impromptu and inappropriately moving speech. You sat staring at the clock as it ticked by mulling over her words, “Shit.” You cursed standing and turning off your computer.

Making it as far as the lobby bathroom you were nervous as hell, predictably in your sleep-addled state, you’d forgotten your makeup bag. So you pinned your hair back with a clip and applied some chapstick you’d managed to find in your desk drawer. With a heavy sigh, you stood tall, looking yourself over critically in the mirror. Ever so thankful that you’d already met him once before and in the most sloppy outfit you could have put together, so your work attire would be perfect.

The phone dinged in your purse, fishing it out you saw it was from Bucky. “Here,” it read and you hastily typed a reply that you’d be out in a minute. Fluffing your hair again one last time in the front you sighed heavily looking at the navy lace dress you wore and nodding. Confidence, that’s what won the day right, “Be strong,” you whispered to yourself. “You can do this. Jo’s right, I’m a badass.”

Leaving the office you swiped your badge at the gate and dumped it in your purse with a wave to the receptionist and security guards. Butterflies knocked around in your gut as you looked around, left then right you didn’t see him. Coming down the marble steps of the building your eyes scanned the sidewalk landing on a figure a little ways away. His back was turned towards you as he watched people come and go, the same Dodgers cap pulled down shielding his eyes. His shoulders were nearly up around his ears as he shrunk away when a group of reporters walked past him, a few eyes lingering too long as they wandered past. You walked up slowly, his back still to you but no mistaking it was him. “James?”

His shoulders flinched, but as he turned around those impossibly blue eyes widened in surprise and his expression softened when he recognized you an almost smile gracing his features. “Y/N, it’s good to see you.”

“You too,” you said, shifting nervously from one foot to the other. It was now or never you supposed, just ask him and get it out of the way. Clearing your throat you tried to smile as soft as possible, “So um, James I was wanting to ask you something…”

“Y/N!”

The shout came from behind you. Spinning around your eyes were wide and Bucky’s hands steady on your hips as you wobbled in the heels you wore. It was your boss, hobbling down the stairs as quickly as possible, her blazer flapping with each step she took, the pencil skirt doing her no favors as she hurried to you. Out of breath, the near seventy-year-old woman gave a passing glance at Bucky then focused back onto you. “I’m so glad I was able to catch you, we’re having trouble with some of the files and we need you to rebuild the pages.”

You couldn’t hide your annoyance and it seeped into your tone as your eyes narrowed at her, “Can’t you do it? I’m supposed to be leaving on a date.”

“No I have a business dinner to attend and you’re the only one still here,” she responded with a slight upturn at the edge of her mouth. “Besides you’re a senior production manager now with the special issue the masters are on your computer for the page and we don’t know what it looked like.”

You bit back a curse, as the supervising manager she had full access to the whole mainframe; masters came from her computer, not yours but you knew better than to argue. The biting comment about the special issue didn’t slip past you. 

Feeling Bucky’s hands loosen from your hips, you turned back to look at him, his mouth pulled down into a frown of disappointment. “Fine. It’s only one page but I’m billing double.” Your hand sought out Bucky’s, grasping his gloved hand you didn’t feel it give one inch confirming your suspicions that it was the metallic prosthetic and gave a little tug. “Come on, you’re coming in with me and we’ll leave after I’m done.”

“We can reschedule Y/N it’s alright,” he hurried to say, falling into step beside you quickly as you climbed the stairs.

He almost ran into you when you stopped abruptly at the door, your hand poised to push it open. You rounded on him, your eyes no doubt glaring if his wide blue ones were any indication. “No! It’s our first date as a bonded couple and I’m not letting my stupid boss ruin that for us.”

Bucky’s expression changed from stunned shock to a genuine smile, crinkling the edges of his eyes, and creating laugh lines you’d only imagined would be there. Your heart fluttered in your chest and you cleared your throat in an effort to refocus yourself. Weren’t you supposed to be mad at him about something? Ignoring the nagging voice in your mind you pushed into the building and procuring a visitor pass from the reception desk and clipping it to the lapel of Bucky’s bomber jacket leading him towards the elevator and jabbed the button for the twenty-seventh floor. 

Once the door closed you felt your anxiety rise slightly, gasping a little as it jerked to start. “I hate elevators,” you whispered under your breath. You glanced over at him and realized he was staring at you in the privacy of the small box making you self conscious. “W-what?”

“You look beautiful,” he breathed, his gaze softening as he placed a hand on the small of your back.

The complement took you completely off guard, your face turning the color of a cherry tomato as you looked away. “Th-thank you.”

When the elevator opened you itched to burst out of it. During the day, people thought you were in a rush because you were diligent to get to work and start on time, really it was because you were terrified of the contraption. The lights were off in your office, nobody had stuck around long in anticipation of the weekend, flicking on a couple of rows of lights you wandered over towards your computer, shaking the mouse awake and logging in.

You could hear Bucky behind you as he shifted some files to sit on the edge of the desk. 

“I’m so sorry about this Bucky, I’ll make it up to you I promise,” you said, opening the program and pages as quickly as you could, placing the text on the page and inserting the needed graphics at lightning speed. The faster you got done the quicker you could enjoy your date and have a much-needed conversation. “At least you can see what it is that I do. I know Layout and Production aren’t very telling from a business card.”

“So you put the magazines together?” He asked, leaning over your shoulder his breath ghosting over your ear and you were suddenly very aware that you were both alone. Your face turned red and the mouse stuttered in your hand when you realized you were close enough to smell his cologne again. Glancing over you saw his attention focused on the screen, his blue eyes followed your mouse as it flitted around the page opening and closing windows.

You hummed in confirmation clearing your throat, “It takes much longer when we’re working from scratch but with practice, it gets easier. I’m actually done, now I just have to send it off to the printing room and let them know the uploaded master is done. Take a look around if you want, I’m all over this place usually during the day.” Your hand reached over picking up the phone and pressing the extension for the press room.

“Honestly, my friends thought you were a reporter,” Bucky said, with a half-laugh as he looked around. The office wasn’t very large, right off the elevator there were about fifteen cubicles with a table and wheeled whiteboards in the middle. You had just hung up the phone when you heard his breath audibly hitch, his keen eyes spotting something across the room. Inside you knew exactly what he was looking at, as he wandered closer to the layout board and a cold dread slid into your stomach that you weren’t sure you could shake.

“Your friends thought I was a reporter huh?” You watched as the fingers from his right hand reached out brushing against the wartime image of Captain America, Bucky’s back was to you but you could see the subtle stiffening in his shoulders as he stood straighter. “Friends like Steve Rodgers?”

He whipped around to look at you now and his sharp gaze pierced your very soul as a sharp pain entered your chest. Betrayal was etched on his face as he studied you carefully along with the same sad look that he had in every photo on the internet. “You knew,” he rasped out. It was accusatory. It was pointed. Fuck it hurt to hear those words.

“I only found out last night,” you said in a whisper. Standing up slowly your chair rolled backward bumping into the desk, you watched as his whole body tensed. His feet stepping wider apart hands ready to block; you knew that stance. Bucky was ready for a fight and it made you mad as hell. “Which is more than I can probably say for the man who’s friends with Tony Stark. You probably had a whole file on me before you’d even lost your erection.”

Bucky said nothing back, his mouth drawn into a straight line as his piercing blue eyes cut right through you. A slew of emotions you were unfamiliar with hitting you all at once. Making your eyes fill with hot tears. He looked so guarded and vulnerable at the same time and it broke your fucking heart. Deep in your chest, an ache had started, one you had felt before and you were certain it was coming from you.

“Why didn’t you just tell me, Buck,” your voice warbled betraying you as you began to drown in more than your own emotions. “Why didn’t you tell me the first day that you were an Avenger? The Winter Soldier.”

Bucky swallowed thickly, his posture not relaxing; his rational mind said that Y/N could be a threat at any moment but his heart knew just by looking at her she was just as crushed as him. He didn’t need the searing pain deep in his chest to tell him that. Even though they’d only just met, their bond was already strong and if it wasn’t for the situation he’d have preened with the thought. Why hadn’t he told her?

As the Soldier there was no feeling, only numbness, and physical pain; when he’d become a little more of himself he started to feel again, just a little here and there, it was almost normal. But in the week since mating to Y/N, a new flood gate opened. After the first sign of their connection through their bond, he’d been quick to suppress it from his end, use what training he’d had to channel away much of what he felt, only sending enough when he knew she needed something. The slip up on the last mission was enough to throw her into a state of panic and he’d felt it more than halfway across the world.

The advice of the three super spies he lived in close quarters with echoed in his head.

_“She could be a double agent,” Clint had said._

_“It could all be a lie, something HYDRA planted in your subconscious,” Nat agreed with a fervent nod._

_“She could be the only chance you get at this Buck, don’t mess it up,” Steve advised before he’d left for their date._

Yanking off the ball cap from his head he didn’t miss how Y/N didn’t flinch, she only stood statue-still tears welling in her pretty eyes. “I was afraid,” he confessed, the air rushing from his lungs faster than he would have liked.“You know what they’ve said, what I’ve done. If you knew all of that, believed all of it. If I told you everything on the first day we met, you would run away.” He paused, his eyes taking in her rigid body, hands clenching at her sides body half turned away. “Just like you want to do now.”

The silence in the room was deafening, out of instinct you sniffled, your teary eyes glancing down at the floor then back up at him. His accusing tone flipped a switch somewhere in your brain, you weren’t really sad or upset, you were angry now and that was an actual emotion you could deal with so you grasped hold of it and held on for dear life. 

“I won’t run.” Your voice sounded strong to your own ears, but the ache in your chest didn’t lessen any. “You’re calling me a coward and that’s so god damned unfair. But if we’re being honest. I don’t think, I don’t think that I’m good enough for someone like you,” The sound of your voice cracking jolted him but he held his ground as you continued. “What I read. What I saw. You’ve done, terrible things. They say horrible things about you and I-I don’t know what to believe.”

Bucky remained silent, standing halfway across the room as you worked your bottom lip between your teeth.“Bucky, I’m only sure about one thing and that’s this feeling I have right here,” one hand rested over your heart and you felt it’s rapid pace under your fingers. “It’s not just me that I feel now, it’s you and you. You don’t feel like the man they paint you to be. You fight for something more than yourself. You’re a hero Bucky and I won’t run away, no matter what they say about you because I… I know you.” A half-laugh escaped your lips, you had to sound completely insane. “I might have only just met you Buck but I know your soul. It’s not as black as they want to make it out to be. So don’t you dare. Ever again. Call me a coward again.”

Bucky swallowed hard. It all seemed too good to be true. He was overly aware of what the media said about him, it was part of the reason he didn’t have a phone and never picked up the tabloids. They painted him as a monster, unpredictable and dangerous; in the recent year’s tides had started to turn to his favor, but the words were out there already, no taking them back. Just as the phrase that he’d heard Tony use to describe him not long after he’d joined the initiative, it was hurtful, it was cold and for the longest time, he’d thought he deserved it. 

Seeing your eyes fill with tears, he believed it now more than ever before, “I’m not a hero. I’m damaged goods Y/N.”

“How dare you,” you heard yourself saying with a scoff as hot rage filled you once more. “Damaged goods. You’re my damaged goods!” You shouted stamping your foot and pointing at him in what you were sure was threatening because his eyebrows shot up in surprise. The tears flowed freely now as your sadness turned to outrage if you’d been rational you’d have been mortified you were crying. “Don’t you dare say that again James Buchanan Barnes or I’ll.. I’lll…”

Bucky was on top of you in an instant, his lips crashing into yours kissing you with a fire he was sure would consume you both. Moaning into his mouth, your hands careened over the hard planes of his chest and into his hair he nibbled at your lips. 

The ache in your chest was slowly replaced with heat. Bucky pushed you backward stumbling until you slid against your desk while his tongue caressed your own. He broke away from you, a sound of protest escaping you as he pressed his forehead against your own; shining blue eyes gazing into yours. “Say it again Y/N.”

Fingertips caressing the stubble on his cheek you gazed into his blue eyes, holding him, grounding you both. “You’re mine Bucky, and I’m not going anywhere.”

Not giving him a chance to respond you rose up to kiss him again, his hands holding your face and wiping away the trails of tears previously there. His hands drifted everywhere, palming your breast through the fabric of your dress, hiking your thigh up against him, the tips of his fingers digging into your hips when you sucked on his tongue. 

Eventually, though the heated kisses turned lazy in the waning light of the evening, at some point your hands had found their way around his torso under the bomber jacket holding him tightly. This could have gone worse, oh so much worse but as Bucky kissed you again, his tongue caressing over your swollen bottom lip, you decided it wasn’t all that bad.

“We should get going,” you whispered against him and he pulled away. The sudden loss of heat makes you shiver as you slide from your desk, eyeing the now rumpled papers and straightening out the hem of your dress and running a hand down your hair in an effort to smooth it again. Clearing your throat and pressing the button for the elevator you glanced down when his hand took hold of yours, then back up at his face.

Bucky stood grinning like a fool, the smile fully reaching his eyes, and the haunted shadows previously on his face had vanished. “So how is our first date going?”

“Oh, are we calling this a date now?” Sarcasm dripping from your voice as the elevator dinged, “Making me cry and scream at you on the first date.”

A snorted a laugh escaped him when he pressed the button for the ground floor. “I’m sure I’ll have you screaming again sometime soon.” You gawped at him unsure of just exactly what to say back to that. “But I did have an actual plan for dinner, Stark recommended a restaurant even got us a reservation.”

You scoffed rolling your eyes dramatically when the bell dinged for the ground floor and you both walked out of the elevator, “Ritzy place, five stars and all of that?”

He flinched, scrunching his nose in the most adorable way, “Most likely.”

You hummed, swiping your card again and dropping his visitor’s badge on the desk swinging your hand as it gripped his. “I’ll pass, how bout a greasy spoon diner over on Flatbush near my place,” you suggested. “It’s quiet and we can actually talk without, you know, pretense. There will be plenty of time for fancy restaurants later.”

“Sounds perfect to me.”


	4. Damaged People

A little more than a month later you and Bucky had been seeing one another as much as you could, you’d taught him how to use the facetime app on his phone to make late-night calls and talk to you when you worked late and texted with one another almost every day. It was surprisingly easy to talk to Bucky about everything and anything. Meaningless conversations to anyone else were always thrilling, the perspectives of a man out of time were unique and you relished every one of them.

In this time Bucky had developed the habit of carrying his new phone everywhere he went, the new tech device dazzling him when you’d managed to give a quick tutorial on everything it could do. Still, it hadn’t taken long for Sam to realize he was texting you from the gym and to take advantage of it. After getting a string of ridiculous pictures of Sam making goofy faces and Bucky unsuspecting in the background, he’d snapped a candid photo or two of just Bucky without him knowing.

You’d never admit it out loud but you’d stared at the photo of sweaty Bucky, face determined and muscle bulging, doing deadlifts in the Avengers gym for a long time that day. Hell, you’d been tempted to make it your home screen and made a mental note to thank Sam the second you finally met the man.

The relationship between yourself and Bucky was slowly growing with evening visits to the diner. Both of you were willing to work for it, the intimacy between you grew slowly after those first few heated kisses. He would hold your hand in line for coffee, brush your hair back from your eyes before he kissed you, and had one of the warmest smiles and laughs you had ever seen or heard. Bucky would also insist on walking you to your apartment each evening, never asking to come up but always giving a soft smile when he thought you weren’t looking.

It had been two weeks since you had last seen him, he was gone on a mission to Asia with the team and you had anxiously awaited his return. The small blips of emotion you felt through the bond were enough to tell you he was alright but worried about you. He had texted you the moment the plane had landed, wanting to meet at the usual place. The message was brief, shorter than his usual drawn-out requests for time and you should have known that something was wrong.

Meeting him in the tiny park near your apartment building he sat on the usual bench, his shoulders hunched down, elbows on his knees staring at the concrete as you approached. “James?”

His head jerked up towards you and it was the first time you had ever seen the haunted look in his eyes, despair you never wanted to see again. You stumbled in your approach as he reached out for your hand and you came closer. Bucky wound his arms around your hips, drawing you in and pressing his face against your soft belly. He heaved a heavy sigh when your hands tangled in the hair at the back of his neck, rubbing gently. Standing in the middle of the busy park you glared as pedestrians’ eyes lingered a little too long on you. “James is everything alright?”

He heaved a heavy sigh again, hands tightening around you and pulling you closer. “It’s alright, I’m just tired doll.”

You hummed fingers rubbing at the back of his neck on comfort. “Okay. You want a malt?”

Feeling him smile against you and pressing his face into you a little harder he chuckled. He had told you about his love of malted shakes around the third date at the diner. “A malt would be good.”

The two of you walked to the diner holding hands, the idle chatter between you eating the tension in his shoulders but not getting rid of the ghosts haunting those blue eyes. After a half-hour of you chattering about everything that had happened in the last two weeks and Bucky drinking down his malt in less than five minutes, the two of you had fallen into a tense silence. Not quite awkward but it was heavy with the strain still echoing off of Bucky. Sitting across from him in the diner booth you could tell he wasn’t fully into the conversation only giving slight nods of his head and the occasional twitch of his mouth when you said something funny.

Something had happened on the mission and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to tell you about it yet. Bucky’s entire demeanor was almost detached, his posture slumped, gaze distant; his smile never reaching his eyes, not to mention the little touches you’d relished were gone. When you reached across the table and placed your hand over his clenched fists he finally met your eyes.

You smiled sadly at him and let go, coming around the booth and sliding beside him, pressing as close as you could. Thankful that the usual waitress was off duty today since you were sure Bucky couldn’t handle being relentlessly flirted with right now. Sitting side by side you didn’t say anything, pushing a hopeful comfort through your new bond. Eventually, Bucky turned his palm up, allowing you to lace your fingers together with his; you didn’t miss the way his Adam’s apple bobbed when you gave a comforting squeeze. You didn’t want to ask, but it was clear that what had happened was too much for him.

Drinking cup after cup of terrible coffee you weren’t surprised when the waitress returned and refilled your glasses and scurried away just as quickly as she’d come. “I want to tell you something,” you said setting the cup back down, a nervous tremor in your hand. “But you have to promise me that you won’t interrupt or overreact.”

The words were teasing since he’d barely said anything all night, he nodded affirmatively and you began with a shaky breath, your hand tightening against the vibranium prosthetic. “We’ve been together for a month now so I think it’s best I tell you. My dog, she’s not just a dog she’s a therapy animal. I have PTSD with stress-induced anxiety, a lot of people always want to know why I have it and I never tell them or give some lame excuse. But I want you to know the truth.” You turned and found him looking at you for almost the first time that night. His brow was drawn together and his blue eyes searched your own, you smiled at him softly. “I think you deserve to know the truth Bucky, no secrets. Not even Jo knows about this. Will you let me tell you what happened?”

He nodded, his hand squeezing against your own and slowly you began recounting what you knew was a dark part of your life.

_As a university freshman, you’d been young and ambitious to start your new life. Four weeks into living on campus you’d met him, Jack was a dream. A popular engineering major and two years your senior. You’d met at a frat party, he was a perfect gentleman; wooing you with a sense of security you had never felt before in a matter of weeks. Jack had a kind smile, was popular with professors and students alike and came from a prominent family. Jack had it all and in return, you gave him your all._

_You fell hard and you fell fast. It had started small, little things you didn’t even notice. Small comments about your appearance, he’d swap out items from your wardrobe, tell you to change if something was too frumpy or too revealing. It should have been a red flag to end it all when one day you had made plans to go out with Jola for her birthday. You’d been about to leave for the night when he’d come back to the off-campus apartment you’d slept at most nights at his insistence. Dark brown eyes looked you up and down and cold darkness you’d never seen before flickered over his face._

_“Where do you think you’re going?”_

_“Out. Jola’s having birthday cocktails at Los Palaminos and I’m meeting her there.”_

_“Cancel it.” He demanded, slamming the door behind him and locking it._

_“I can’t cancel it,” you sputtered fixing an earring. “It’s her birthday.”_

_“I’m here now. Cancel it.” The way his voice rang sent a chill down your spine and made your hands stop their fidgeting._

_“Jesus alright I’ll cancel it,” you said pulling out your phone and typing a hasty message that you weren’t able to make it. “There I told her.” He’d backhanded you so fast that you didn’t quite know what had happened but it wrenched a cry from your mouth all the same._

_Grabbing your shoulders he pushed you back and against the door, your feet unsteady with the wedge heels on you stumbled grabbing his arms to steady yourself as your bottom lip began to tremble. He’d grasped your face in one hand hard, fingers digging into the skin. “Don’t ever make plans with her again. You’re done seeing that whore. Do you understand?”_

_His voice shook you to the core, you nodded but he shook your head roughly, digging into your face. “I understand,” you half choked._

_Jack let you go and you slumped to the floor, hands shaking and trembling mess. He unfastened his tie and sneered down at you; reaching out and dragging his thumb over your bottom lip smearing your lipstick. “Good girl.”_

_It got increasingly worse from there. He’d slap you if you were late back from a study group, telling you he was worried and that you needed to tell him where you were and who you were with. The abuse got worse slowly, slow enough that you’d become numb._

_Closed fist hits._

_The slaps._

_The yelling._

_Jack was always careful never to strike you and leave bruises people could see. Every time he’d turn it around, it was always your fault he’d acted that way. You pushed him to it. If only you behaved and were a ‘good girl’ he wouldn’t have to punish you._

_A few weeks into your senior year he’d insisted that you move together to a new place. A condo in the new part of town, a suburb with barely any people in it. Of course, Jack insisting meant that he’d already gone to your dorm and cleaned it out, moving all of the belongings he deemed worthy in and donating the rest to charity._

_The beatings didn’t stop when you moved in, they only began to get worse. If you didn’t have dinner ready when he came back from work it was a backhand. If you didn’t service him when he required, a kick to the ribs. You weren’t loud enough during sex, he’d almost choke you out._

_Not long and his trust in you was completely gone. Jack had put a tracking app on your phone without your knowledge and followed you to the coffee house where you’d meet Jo off-campus in secret. She’d asked once or twice about the bruising on your wrists or neck, but you played it off as a bit of a kink gone wrong. She’d asked you there to tell you she was leaving for New York, and it was the last time you were going to see her for a while. The two of you hugged when you parted ways, and you started to cry when she’d rounded the corner._

_Arriving home your eyes were swollen from crying in the cab on the way back. You weren’t prepared for what greeted you when you walked through the door._

_Jack was livid. He grasped you by your long hair and threw you against the door. “I thought I told you to stop seeing that slut!” He screamed in your face. Rearing back his fist collided with your jaw, rattling your teeth and making you cry out. A foot came stomping into your ribs, knocking the air from your lungs. “I’m going to make you regret not listening to me, Y/N.”_

_He began by dragging you through the living room by your hair, your hands clawing at him to let you go. You fell against the glass coffee table shattering it on impact. “You worthless whore,” he sneered, kicking you again once, twice, three, no four times._

_You tried in vain to get your feet under you, pure panic and sheer terror gripping you as tears poured from your eyes and sobs ripped from your throat. “Please don’t! No Jack please I’ll be good I swear!” But your foot came up trying to kick him away and it only made him angrier._

_He started making his way towards you as you scrambled backward. Your hand wrapped around a heavy statue once on the coffee table and you threw it, hitting him in the chest and head. It distracted him enough for you to get to your feet and start running for the back patio door. If you could make it out the door you could run down the stairs and getaway._

_But he grabbed you before you could make it, your knee came down hard on the track, splitting the skin open under your jeans. As you screamed, turning around rage began to fill you instead of fear and you fought back, your nails digging through the flesh of his arms and pushing back against him. Jack was strong but you managed to get away from him, running to the kitchen and pulling a knife from the block._

_“What are you going to do bitch? Kill me?” He sneered at you from the opposite side of the island. You darted around trying to get away but he was quick, grasping hold of a chunk of hair. Reaching up you cut it away, and ran into the bathroom, closing the door behind you and locking it. He banged and crashed against the door._

_“Get out here you fucking bitch!”_

_Crying and shaking you could feel blood sticking to your clothes, as quietly as possible you opened the bathroom window. This was the second floor but it was better than the alternative through the door. He was really going to kill you, holding onto the sill you slid down to the roof above the downstairs apartment and dropped to the ground. Your neighbor was just coming outside to start grilling when he saw you, knife in hand. You made brief eye contact then ran._

_You had only one shoe and the decorative gravel in people’s yards cut your feet but you ran like you’d never run before. The development he’d moved you into was new, there weren’t many people in the area yet. You ran to the construction site three blocks away, wiggling under the fence and hiding in the unlocked workmen’s trailer. Sliding against the door you locked it behind you and cried._

_After what felt like hours of crying you looked down at your knee, blood-soaked the fabric of your jeans and you were scared to even look at it, managing to wiggle down your pants down, bruises had already started to form. You’d patched up your knee the best you could using the medical kit in the trailer, tied your hair up with a rubber band and cleaned the blood from your face. In all of the commotion, you’d left behind your keys, purse, and phone. You started shaking when lights flashed along the wall of the trailer sliding backward and hiding under the alcove of the desk. When the doorknob rattled you held your breath, glad for all the things you’d locked the deadbolt at the top._

_Hearing the gravel crunch as he came past where you hid, your hands covered your mouth in an effort to stay quiet as tears poured from your eyes again. The footsteps retreated after circling the trailer twice, you peeked out to see Jack’s silhouetted form climb back into his Bentley and drive away. When morning came you hadn’t slept at all, but you knew that Jack would likely be gone back to work. Crawling out from under the desk and opening the door you were greeted by the surprised face of the construction foreman._

“I went to the hospital after that, they’d insisted and I filed a police report and restraining order,” you said, your hand holding tight to Buckys as you recounted the whole tale. “Sometimes it doesn’t even feel like it was me that it happened to. Like that happened to a different person, but damned if my knee doesn’t hurt whenever it rains.”

Sneaking a glance over at him your breath caught in your throat. He looked positively furious, but his expression softened when you rubbed your thumb against the back of his hand. His posture was a little straighter than it had been, but you pressed on to finish your story and get to the true point of it.

“After my face healed up I moved back home for a little while and finished my degree online. My mother didn’t understand why I’d left Jack and I never told her the truth. The court case didn’t stick because his dad is a senator, it never made it past the officer’s desk and my statement was buried along with the medical records.

“For a while I was detached from it, packing the trauma and pain into tiny boxes.” You flinched when the waitress came over again filling your cups with coffee when she left again you sighed. “I’m not saying what happened to me is comparable to all of the things that were done to you Bucky. But detachment doesn’t work forever. When a door would slam or I’d hear a man even raise his voice I’d have a meltdown and lock myself away for days, crying and shaking. Having a panic attack after a panic attack. When I finally got help, medicine, and my dog, life became better; easier actually. I’m stronger now because I can look at what happened and not be afraid.” A tiny huff of laughter escaped you and took a drink from your cup. “Helps that now I can kick someone’s ass if they ever try some shit.”

“If I ever come across that son of a bitch,” Bucky said through clenched teeth, his gaze was distant now and focused on the vinyl seat across from him.

You’d reached up tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear. It startled him enough to turn back and look at you, his blue gaze wild and wounded. “He’s not worth the cost of a bullet Bucky. I told you my darkest secret because I want you to trust me. You don’t have to tell me what happens on a mission, you never have too. But I want you to know that I will always listen if you want to talk and if you can’t talk to me about it, maybe find someone who you can. Just please don’t pack it all away into little boxes, because it never works.”

When the two of your fell into silence once more eventually the waitress came back to fill your coffee again and you ordered some actual food instead of just drinking stale coffee. The soft caress on the back of your hand startled you, glancing over at Bucky his brows were knit in thought. He only ever rubbed the back of your hand when he was nervous. “I want to tell you, but I don’t know how you’ll look at me afterward.”

Sad blue eyes locked onto your own and you gave his hand a comforting squeeze. “I can’t tell you everything that happened, but I slipped up.” He released a shaky breath, tearing his eyes away from your own, almost afraid. “It was supposed to be a cut and dry raid. A group of arms dealers, smugglers and human trafficking ring in some tiny village. I wasn’t on the inside but from what I heard over the comms it wasn’t too good inside. Sam and I swept the area for snipers and I disarmed the five I found but somehow I missed one in the sweep. He ambushed us as we were going for the Quinjet. Shot down Sam, disabling his suit. He was alright, a little scraped up from the crash, but there were civilians between us and him running for evacuation. Four innocent people died in the gunfire before I could get the shot off, not to mention the dozen wounded in the exchange. If I had been more careful, if I had paid more attention.”

“It’s not your fault, Bucky,” the words tumbled from your lips as tears began to well in your eyes. Guilt and emptiness echoed through the bond as Bucky’s guard dropped and it almost made the tears begin to fall but you found yourself blinking them back and clearing your throat, “There was no way to control that Buck. You’re not at fault.”

He snorted with a shake of his head, “You sound like Steve.”

You hummed, “Well as much as it kills me to say it, Steve’s right.” 

Pulling your hand from his own you placed it on the top of his thigh, turning your whole body towards him as your eyes locked with his. Biting your bottom lip nervously you concentrated, pushing a feeling of calm and relief through the bond to him. “None of that was your fault. The circumstances were beyond your control and you saved everyone you could. Those are people who are safe now and will have a good night’s sleep because of you, because of how selfless you are.”

His eyes searched yours, widening slightly when the emotions began to filter in and he swallowed hard looking away for a brief second then coming right back. The waitress deposited a plate of fries in front of you, breaking the moment you were having. Clearing your throat and sliding the plate between you, you watched as Bucky reluctantly picked up a few and munched on them. Amazingly the silence between you was now comfortable, the tension in his shoulders had slowly vanished but the haunted look in his eyes remained.

“Jo and I were talking about you the other day,” you said with a smirk, popping another fry into your mouth. 

“Should I be worried?”

Wrinkling your nose you snorted. “No. It was just an observation I made. You know you never tell me goodbye when we talk on the phone?”

A fry stopped halfway to his mouth and he cocked his head towards you raising one eyebrow. “It’s always goodnight, never goodbye, how come?”

He gave you a watery smile and shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t like goodbyes.”

You hummed reaching forward towards your steaming cup of coffee and placing it just before your lips, “Who knew James Barnes was such a sappy romantic. I think it’s kind of sexy but you should practice more. When I told Jola she said it was the cutest thing she’d ever heard.”

Beside you Bucky choked on air, sputtering a little when you laughed at him; but when he turned to look at you with a wirey smile the light had returned to his eyes and that was what mattered.

After a couple of days of typical texting back and forth you’d gotten a surprising midmorning message.

_Bucky: I’m taking your advice._

What advice is that?

_Bucky: Talking to someone._

Idk did I say that? I can’t remember…

_Bucky: Ha ha. Sam is setting me up._

Aww, what a sweetheart. *heart eye emoji*

_Bucky: Hey I thought those were just for me._

Nah, now Sam gets some too. *kissy face emoji*

_Bucky: *sad crying face*_

Oh, don’t pout now sweets. *winky face* *eggplant* *peach* *smirk*

_Bucky: …. You know I know what those mean now right?_

Shit. I mean oh nooooo

_Bucky: Yes I’m very well versed in emoji now thanks to Parker._

And what does it mean Smarty pants?

_Bucky: Farmers Market *smirk*_

A bubbling ball of laughter erupted out of you at the coffee shop that had a few people looking at you like you were a maniac but you didn’t care. Across the table, Jola was looking at you with a raised eyebrow as she sucked on her iced coffee but you kept the little convo to yourself texting back an _“oh you’re so right. *kissy face* cant pull one over on you super-spy”_ just for good measure. You lifted the latte to your mouth with one hand as you hit send.

“Are you texting Bucky eggplants?”

The latte you were drinking went down the wrong way, choking you for a moment as you stuttered, “W-What?”

“You have a little smirk on your face,” she said, gesturing at you with her iced coffee. “It’s subtle, but I know you well enough to know you’re doing something naughty.”

“I’m not being naughty,” you grumbled into your cup.

“Uh-huh,” she replied, tipping her head back and looking around the nearly empty shop. “So when are you going to touch his eggplant?”

“Jo!” Your voice screeched out in a pitch you weren’t sure it could have ever made before.

She held her hands up and pursed her lips, “Sorry, it’s just been a month now and you haven’t done much other than kiss right?”

“We’re taking things slow,” you said lamely your hands fiddling with the cup on the table.

“Riiiiiiiight.”

“We are,” you protested a little firmer, your gaze trying to drive home the fact that you didn’t want to talk about this in the slightest. “Look we’re both busy people and we’re really just still trying to get to know one another. Sex hasn’t even come up yet and I’m honestly not surprised.”

“Chika, he’s a dude. Of course, it’s **come up** already.” She laughed at the expression of partial disgust on your face. “Like it or not, facts are facts. You’ve got to have diddled since you met him.”

“Oh my god. I am not having this conversation with you right now.”

“I’m just saying girl, he’s a dude no way he’s been abstaining from, you know checking his eggplant and not thinking about your peach.” There was a wicked smile on Jola’s face, one that she only ever reserved for blunt sex talk with you and always made you feel fifty shades of uncomfortable.

There was no possible way your face could turn a brighter shade of red. Sure you had thought about it and, and yeah okay, diddled a little in the last few weeks while thinking about him. But there was no way that sex was going to come up right now. “Every time we go out it’s to the diner or we’re at the park, we can’t do **stuff** there.” Not the first time anyway.

Across from you, Jo sighed, her brown eyes rolling dramatically. “Well, girl you’re going to have to do something. The motor in the vibe of yours needs a break.”

“Jo!”

Halfway through the week, you decided to put Jo’s advice to work. You had a day off this Friday and thought about putting it to better use than just sitting alone in your apartment. After going back and forth and hinting at it you asked him outright to come to your apartment for a day. Bucky had been reluctant but agreed to make time should a new mission not come up. 

Friday came and when he’d knocked on the door standing awkwardly with flowers in hand. Bucky hesitated at the threshold, the hat he normally wore tucked into the pocket of his coat already, looking both nervous and terrified to enter. 

It was only when your nosey neighbor cracked her door open a little did you reach for his hand and yanked him inside. Bucky fidgeted, shifting his weight from foot to foot as you shut and locked the door behind him. “What’s wrong?”

His eyes gaze flicked up to you and you saw the momentary look of panic and the strained smile he gave but you recognized that look instantly having seen it in your own bathroom mirror enough times. Whistling Starr came over, her tail wagging enthusiastically as she scented him; the dog stopped and began to immediately push her head under his clenched hand multiple times tapping and nipping at his closed fist. 

“Take a knee and pet her, she’ll work to calm you down. It will pass Bucky,” you encouraged; you watched as he did exactly as you suggested, kneeling in the entry, his trembling hands started stroking through her fur the tension in his shoulders relaxing with each stroke and ruffle of her ears.

Backing away with a small smile, you mumbled about putting the flowers in water and ducked into your kitchen. Turning on the faucet and running a jar under the sink, the last thing you wanted when you had an episode was to have someone watch you. So it was best to just let him get through it with Starrs help, with how stable you’d been in the recent months it was a wonder that the dog didn’t get bored.

As you were cutting open the cellophane and dropping the stems into the water two hands wrapped around you from behind. Bucky’s face nuzzling into your neck, the whiskers of his beard tickling your skin when he pressed a few kisses that made you giggle and squirm. The hold was intimate, more than any you had done before and you felt your heart speed up when he breathed a thank you against your ear. He held you like that for a few heartbeats before letting you go and removing his jacket.

After giving what you called the thirty-second tour of the apartment the two of you had lunch at your tiny kitchen island with mismatching chairs. The atmosphere between you far more relaxed than it had ever been at the diner. Bucky regaled you with the knowledge that your building used to be a watch factory when he was younger, it had switched to munitions during the war and one of his sisters had actually worked here for a short time.

The two of you sat on the couch, close together and turned towards one another, your head resting on your hand as he spoke. Bucky was very animated as he told you about the place, gesturing with his hands and a bright light filled his eyes for a few brief moments as he recounted some of his and Steve’s shared past. This was something you truly enjoyed watching him do, reminisce about things with zero pressure, it always seemed to lighten his expression when he didn’t have to talk about modern problems and something as silly as his smartphone acting up.

Halfway into his visit to your apartment you shivered. You’d set the air conditioner up on high before he’d come to have an excuse to try and sit close enough to him. The first one that trembled through you was a fluke but when it happened again Bucky noticed.

“You’re cold?”

“Yeah, sorry the AC is broken,” you fibbed biting your bottom lip and hoping it sounded convincing. “The super is coming to fix it tomorrow but we’re stuck with it for now.”

“Sit closer then,” he said, lifting his arm and wrapping it around your shoulders.

Gathering your nerve you leaned forward, “I have a better idea.” Your hand snagged an oversized throw blanket you’d usually have out in the wintertime but brought out just for today’s occasion. He blinked at you a couple of times, eyebrow raised in amusement. “What?”

“Nothin, doll.” He said with a small smile, reaching out and pulling both you and the blanket back down onto the couch. “Comfy?”

You hummed, wiggling closer to him; your hands pressed together between your thighs under the blanket. It wasn’t long into the show that Bucky had kicked off his shoes, his socked feet rested comfortably on your coffee table stretched out before him, the dog laying under his legs in her usual spot, it was uncharacteristically domestic.

Insanely comfortable you shifted your hands a little, resting one on the top of Bucky’s thigh, your head on his shoulder as you watched the show on Netflix play. You were about to make a real move when very unexpectedly the front door jangled open and slammed closed. Feeling him tense beside you for a brief second, your hand squeezing the top of his thigh out of comfort. Blushing the second you felt it tense under your fingers, your eyes checked the time on the wall, Jo was home a whole hour early.

“Ugh, what a day!” She shouted at the front door, dropping her keys in the bowl with a clunk and kicking her heels past the two of you for them to land in the middle of the floor. She began stripping off her jacket and fumbling with the buttons on her blouse. 

“You won’t believe the bullshit I had to deal with! First, I spilled coffee down my favorite shirt. Then, then the printer stopped working and began to actually smoke. I had to jog up and down the stairs all day because Ryan didn’t want me to call the repairman. Estúpido hijo de puta.”

Her rant and fingers halted when her brown eyes fell on the two of you, cozy under a blanket with the AC cranked. Your amused smirk surprising her just as much as Bucky’s shocked owlish look. “Oh my god Chika,” she shrieked holding up a hand and blocking the two of you dramatically. “You didn’t say you were having him over!”

“Oh I’m sorry, I thought I lived here too,” you grumbled, reaching forward and pressing pause on the television much to Bucky’s obvious amusement. “We’re not even doing anything so stop acting like a twelve-year-old!”

A roar of laughter erupted from Buck and you swatted his arm playfully as he muffled his laughter with a hand. His face was just as red as yours was so clearly it had crossed both of your minds but neither of you had acted on it. 

“Nope!” Jo exclaimed backing down the hallway and making a beeline for her bedroom. “I’m changing clothes and then I’m out anyway, going to meet the girls for drinks at Baccaras. I came home early because I was covered in stale coffee. Carry on canoodling!”

She disappeared into the bedroom shutting the door behind her with a heavy thud. You could do nothing but stare down the hallway at her door. “So that’s Jo,” you said with an exasperated laugh and smile when Bucky burst into real genuine laughter that had you poking him in the side.

Before she left again you were sure to properly introduce her to Bucky. Although their meeting was brief and Bucky was a good two feet taller than Jo she gave him a very stern glare and pointed at him. “You better not break her heart.”

You couldn’t stop the dramatic eye roll. “Jo please don’t try and threaten my mate. Just go and have fun, tell Mark I said hello.” You began pushing her out the door opening it and tossing her the key as she stumbled over the threshold. “Love you bye!” 

Slamming it shut behind her and pressing your back against the door with a relieved sigh. “I’m sorry about that, she means well but sometimes she just, why are you staring at me like that?”

“You called me your mate.” His tone was disbelieving almost as if it hadn’t sunk in for him.

Blinking a couple of times you ran back through what you had said to Jo. “S-so I did,” you said, your chin jutting out with a little bit of a haughty look as a mischievous smile curved the edge of your lips. “You are my mate right, James.”

New tension swamped the room. Suddenly you were very aware of how alone the two of you were and how Bucky’s gaze sharpened as you licked your lips nervously. You could almost feel the air grow thicker. Taking a short step towards him you intended to reach out for him, but Bucky was faster. He grabbed you tightly drawing you close to him in the entryway and kissed the breath right out of you.

Hands cupping your face gently as his tongue swept against your bottom lip beckoning you to open. You did, pressing against him a little firmer as a moan escaped you. Bucky pushed you against the front door, his entire frame covering yours as his hands wandered. You’d never noticed how much bigger he was before now.

To hell with it, your leg went up in an effort to pin him down, his hands fell down palming your ass and you wrapped both legs around him. The growl low in his throat telling you it was more than appreciated as his hips involuntarily jerked against your core and squeezed the back of your thighs. Moaning into your mouth he started to guide you both back through the apartment, not breaking the kiss and holding you tightly.

Legs slipping down from around his hips the two of you stumbled backward, Bucky leading you towards the couch when you both hovered near it he began to pull back a little, the kisses become a little less intense. Breaking away from him you smiled up at him and shoved him back onto the couch, he bounced on the surface with surprising blue eyes; his gaze darkened when you held onto his shoulders and climbed on top of him straddling his thighs with a smile.

The heat was short-lived as Bucky seemed unsure all of a sudden, his teeth bit into his bottom lip and you swear you could feel your insides quiver at that look. Cupping his face while his hands ran up and down your sides slowly, teasing the edge of your shirt before you leaned in for another kiss and they dove under the fabric and over your breasts.

The contrast between his flesh and metal hand sent a shiver through you as your hips ground against him on the couch, creating amazing friction you didn’t want to stop. Suddenly his hands were gone and the coldness of the air was on you again.

Leaning back you made a noise of protest when his hands stilled your hips. His breath fanning against your face, “Y/N.”

“It’s alright,” you soothed, grasping his hand and sliding it back up into your shirt once more. His blue eyes were wide as he watched, using your hand wrapped around his own to squeeze your breast through your bra. “I’ll tell you when to stop Bucky I promise.” Leaning back you waited for him if he wanted to stop you’d stop right now. But he leaned forward capturing your lips once more nipping at your bottom lip as you smiled against him.

As his hands slid against your back and fiddled with the clasp of your bra you thought that maybe you should take Jo’s advice more often.


	5. Meet the Parents

Sighing heavily you groggily sat up in bed, hair askew, and eyes bleary from your late-night super spy marathon binge session on Netflix. It was early according to the clock on the bedside table, your body accustomed to waking up and getting ready for work. These next two weeks off were going to be a pain you could tell. 

It was a mandatory two weeks vacation from your boss. The chief editor had told you, “take some time and relax, you don’t look stressed so that’s how I know you’re going out of your mind.” He’d been right, all weekend long you’d had trouble sleeping and it was wearing you down. The special issue was done, sent off to the printer, and ready for distribution. There was already some buzz about the super-secret project online with a few content release articles hyping the retro issue. One of the dummy copies laid on your kitchen table and you’d thumbed through it more than a dozen times nervous for your first major publication.

You wished Bucky could be here to calm you down and get a sneak peek at the publication you’d yacked his ear off about. Date nights and days spent together were varied now between going to the diner, walks in the park or browsing the night market and heavy make outs on the couch of your apartment while the TV played in the background. You had wanted it to go further but were too afraid and in your own head to push. Every time you kissed Bucky it was like fireworks, the emotions pouring through the bond freely and filling your chest with so much feeling it was almost like you’d burst.

He was away on a mission right now, out with Sam and Clint doing recon in some parts of Europe you’d never even heard of. Bucky had come to your apartment to say goodbye before what was scheduled to be a long mission. You frowned, he was going to miss the first week of your vacation but it was alright, the fate of the world stuff and all. Kissing him in the hallway you were sure you’d heard your nosey neighbor gasp when he’d pulled you against him in the hall and bumped your head on the door frame on accident.

“I’ll be back, doll,” he rumbled against your lips.

“One more for the road?” You asked pouting a little.

He laughed, nipping your bottom lip where it stuck out and kissed you again. Pressing his forehead against your own and smiling at you. “See you when I see you?”

“See you soon handsome,” you said holding his metal hand as he began to step away. Turning back towards your apartment as he reached the stairs you half-shouted back at him. “Try not to kill Sam while you’re gone.”

He laughed as he opened the door giving you one more dreamy smile before the door closed behind him.

It had been a few weeks since he’d been talking with the therapist Sam had set him up with. You’d gotten a prompt and polite thank you text message from Sam after a few sessions, but Bucky was already improving. _‘Thank you for convincing him to go. He’s doing better because of you. -S’_ It made your heart swell because if someone like Sam saw the changes in Bucky that meant you were good for him at least in some way and it did wonders to chill some of the nagging doubts in your mind.

Bucky still hadn’t introduced you to his friends. He’d been rather insistent that Steve's helicopter approach wasn’t right for the two of you and getting the third degree from Captain America himself didn’t settle well with you. Though if he was anything like the stern older brother figure you imagined, there was no doubt you’d laugh in his face considering the stories Bucky had told you about a scrawny sixteen-year-old kid from Brooklyn.

The next two weeks were going to be boring and you weren’t sure what you’d do to fill the time. Jola was also away on vacation, she’d headed back to your hometown to visit her family, so the apartment was yours until next weekend when she’d come back and gush about town gossip and who’d just had another baby or who was divorcing or hell who flirted with her in the local grocery store. Right now all you could do is lay in bed wearing your PJs and looking through social media feeds when your phone started to ring.

Bucky’s smiling face appeared on the screen, it was the first attempt at a selfie but you’d managed to convince him to take one with you, for your eyes only, of course. After five attempts you managed to get an actual smile out of him, the one that tugged at the edges of his mouth showing his broad grin and crinkled his bright blue eyes. Strange he normally didn’t take his phone with him on a mission.

“Hey sweets,” you answered with a soft giggle in your voice. “I didn’t expect to hear back from you so soon. How’s the trip going?”

“Is this Y/N?”

The voice was foreign to you, not at all Bucky and you sat up on the bed in alarm. “Yes, who is this?”

“This is Steve.”

Panic gripped your heart, you felt through the bond for Bucky’s familiar essence and found it secure, dampened, and frustrated but secure. Heaving a sigh of relief fear still found its way into your voice.“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”

“No no, nothing’s wrong.” Steve rushed to assure over the phone. “I’d just… Buck's been gone for a week and he wanted me to check up on you is all. I know we’ve never met but I promised I’d check in on you.”

Brain scrambling through the panicked haze you tried to recall the conversation you had with Bucky before he’d left. He did mention that he’d have someone call you and check up just to make sure you weren’t getting into trouble. You’d thought it was a joke, but clearly, he worried when he wasn’t around. “Oh, well that’s very sweet of you Steve.” Your voice sounded unsure, brows drawing together weary of how unusual the situation was, maybe it was an army thing.

“Yeah so, everything okay?” He asked sounding unsure of what exactly he should say.

“Peachy keen,” you laughed into the phone, flopping back onto the bed. “I have the next two weeks off for vacation after our huge issue so I’m just killing time so to speak. Don’t think I’m going to change out of my PJ’s all day today.”

You heard him laugh into the phone, “That’s good to hear, taking a day for yourself is always important. Buck is doing good on the mission he should be back in the next couple days ahead of schedule, wanted to give you a heads up that he’s fine.”

“I know I can feel him,” you said in a dreamy sort of voice. The conversation between you stalled and you cleared your throat, “Strange you’d call when he’s going to be back soon. Why’d you really call Steve?”

He sighed into the receiver, “Bucky said you’re pretty sharp. At the end of next week, there’s going to be a party. He should be back by then and it’s going to be the first one he’s required to come to and well Nat suggested that I call and give you a heads up so you could, prepare?”

“We’d also love to meet you,” a woman said, her voice winding its way closer to the mic. You heard Steve scoff at the person and another loud, “What? If Barnes has his way we’ll never meet her.”

Laughter bubbled up into your throat and you couldn’t stop it tears sprang to your eyes as you laughed. “Wow, when Buck said you guys were meddlesome I had no idea it was this bad.” You heard Steve sputter into the receiver and whoever else it was a laugh. “Thanks for the heads up though, I’ll start poking around for something to wear if he asks me.”

“Oh, he better ask,” the woman said, you were now 99% sure was Natasha.

You snorted, “Well you guys know Bucky. Sometimes you have to make him say it cause he just gets lost in his own head.”

A barking laugh sounded from Steve, “Too true.”

“What’s the party for anyway,” you asked, thinking about the date and the time of year.

“Oh, uh, it’s actually my birthday,” Steve mumbled.

A startled laugh erupted from you, how stupid of you to forget, god it was a core feature from the issue you’d just put out. “Sorry, sorry,” you apologize quickly. “I’m not laughing at you, it’s just how could I forget that you were actually born on the Fourth of July?”

His laughter echoed over the phone, “We’ll not everyone believes it’s actually my birthday.”

You snorted, “We’ll they’re idiots. Okay if that’s all then I’ll let you get back to hero work,” you said standing and stretching. “Personally I’ve got a dime-store romance novel that’s calling my name.”

Pausing you listened to his polite goodbye, not realizing how foreign the words sound in your ears until now. “It was good talking to you, Steve.”

“You too, take care. Hope to meet you soon.”

It was three whole days later and you were sitting at the corner cafe in the warm sunlight on a surprisingly mild day. Starr laid under your feet, the bandana she wore identifying her as your service animal and panting contented in the shade. You were halfway through a love scene in your novel when your phone rang next to you, Bucky’s smiling face greeting you. “Hello,” you said, eyes glancing back down to the book in your hand.

“Guess who,” came the teasing voice on the other end of the line.

You laughed marking the page in your book and leaned back in your chair. “Hmm, let me see, someone who has my number but isn’t smart enough to block the caller ID. Oh, I’d have to say this person is tall, dark and mysterious with a penchant for chocolate malts and is an incredibly good kisser.”

“You’re getting better at this,” he replied with a muffled laugh. “You know I’m looking at someone right now, she looks a lot like you. Hair in a braid, cute floral sundress that’s riding obscenely up her mile-long legs with a pair of sunglasses and a book in her hand. But that can’t be my girl since it’s a workday and she’s very devoted to her career.”

You were sitting up straight now looking around as you laughed into the receiver, “Why James Barnes, are you stalking me?”

“No, just coming to the cafe for lunch with my two shadows.”

You saw them across the street waiting for the crosswalk, you could recognize Bucky’s broad shoulders anywhere now as the sign turned and they started to cross with the crowd. “Well, why don’t you and your shadows come join me?”

“We just might,” he snarked back ending the call and motioning to the two walking ahead of him. Their faces snapped over towards you as Bucky motioned in your general direction and you put on what you hoped was a friendly smile. Standing up as they came around into the cafe and out to the patio your smile turned more relaxed when you saw Bucky, the rest of the world melting away a little. “Hey sweets, glad to see you’re back in one piece.”

He leaned down kissing you softly and you sighed as the kiss lingered, even the softest of kisses made your bones melt. “Well, I am good at my job.”

There was a scoff beside him, “Only because you had me there with you.”

Shifting your gaze over you shifted between the two men accompanying him and couldn’t help but feel just a little star-struck. You knew their names, hell everyone knew who they were and shaking yourself a little you laughed, “I’m sorry, where are my manners.” You extend your hand to both of them introducing yourself.

“Sam.”

“Steve.”

“It’s great to finally meet you both.” You smiled again and gestured to the patio table, “Would you gentlemen care to join me?” They nodded as you shifted your chair a little closer to the wall, Starr shifting under you and coming out to greet Bucky with a tail wag and not much more.

“Who’s this?” Steve said, the pitch of his voice shifting higher, he knelt down clearly trying to capture the attention of your dog.

“Oh this is Starr,” you said looking down at your dog. “I can take her bandana off if you’d like to pet her but technically she’s working right now.”

“You have a service animal?” Sam asked in surprise, looking down at the dogs clearly marked bandana.

“Mmhm,” you nodded, talking directly to Sam since he’d obviously know exactly what you were talking about without putting too much context in. “I have anxiety troubles and she helps with all of that, especially if I’m not feeling to swell. It was a nice day today so I figured we’d get some time out of the apartment together. She’ll respond to any sort of distress someone exhibits by offering comfort and should the need arise bringing me medicine.”

Looking at Steve, his eyes were shining like diamonds as he watched the dog, “She’s amazing!”

“I’m sure you like Y/N too right,” Bucky teased, leaning forward in his seat when Starr pressed her head against his flesh hand.

With a smile you whistled, catching her attention and reached down unclipping the bandana from around her neck. She immediately shook out her coat and licked your hand, turning her attention to the starry-eyed Steve waiting to shower her with praise and affection. The dog went all-in on it, pushing up against him and licking the man’s face with enthusiasm as he rubbed and scratched at her sides. Everyone laughed along with Steve as he chanted “oh god she’s so soft” and “what a good girl you are.”

The scene of Captain America himself being mauled by your dog was a little unbelievable and you laughed as she jumped onto him splitting her attention between him and licking at Sam’s hands. Turning over towards Bucky your eyes shining, “At least one of us is a hit with your friends.”

A frown marred your face a second later as your thumb grazed against a cut on Bucky’s cheek you hadn’t noticed before. “You’re okay right?”

He gave a strained smile, if the emotions you felt through the bond told you anything then he was overly frustrated during this last one. “This one was, stressful,” he admitted with a sigh, glancing over at a semi distracted Sam. “I’m glad to be back though.”

Out of habit, you reached for Bucky’s hand your fingers lacing together over his upturned palm, and gave him a warm smile. When the waitress came over the boys ordered food and you another coffee along with a slice of pie. The four of you made small talk, you lived in the neighborhood and how you had the next couple weeks off of work and weren’t sure what to do with yourself.

It felt comfortable and familiar, sitting with three superheroes in their poorly crafted disguises, but you didn’t miss how Bucky hadn’t been much for conversation, instead, his thumb rubbed the back of your hand in circles. When the drinks came so did your slice of pie and you were forced to let go of his hand and he’d frowned before letting you go.

“I can’t believe you’re going to eat dessert right in front of us.” Sam joked, taking a drink of his iced tea.

A snort left you and you rolled your eyes, “I’ve been here for more than an hour already Sam,” you admonished, taking a bite. “I just had to get out of the apartment, it’s too quiet without Jo snoring like a foghorn in the next room. Feels wrong.”

“Who’s Jo,” Steve asked, his brows drawn together.

“She’s my roommate and friend, we’ve known one another since we were babies. She can also be the biggest thorn in my side and pain in my ass,” you snorted when you thought about how you had to go down to the bodega to wire her money after the car broke down halfway back home in rural Ohio. “She’s the one that pushed me and helped me get my act together when I moved here. I don’t even think I’d be in New York if it wasn’t for her. What about you guys, you like living in the city?”

Promptly Sam launched into what he liked about living in New York against what it was like in DC, he’d never actually lived at the tower so it was new being so high up all the time and with it being an office as well, it made coming back and forth interesting. Steve liked it a little slower back at the compound but admitted to missing the penthouse suites of the tower. They both agreed that going back was going to be best though. When they shared a look a pang went through your heart.

Bucky had mentioned before he’d gone on the mission that the new complex was nearing completion and that they’d be moving back before the end of summer. It made you a little sad that you’d have less opportunity to see him but he’d said that the quietness of living at the complex relaxed him more than living a couple of hundred feet off the ground and you couldn’t fault him for that.

“You said you’d moved to New York, where from?”

“Oh, I grew up in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by farms,” you waved off the question. “I don’t miss much about that place except maybe my mother and the sounds at night, crickets, frogs, the smell of fresh-cut hay. But with my career path, the city was where I needed to be. It’s just a different environment to get used too, Jo made the transition easier since I was used to her snoring in college.” You paused watching the two men nod in understanding, Steve’s eyes flicking to you and Bucky’s intertwined hands a few times.

“Oh, that reminds me,” you turned your attention to your unusually mute mate. Bucky looked surprised at your sudden attention, but the expression softened the minute you smiled at him.“Jo is out of town for the next week and I’d like it if you could come over tonight for dinner. I’ll cook so we don’t have to keep bugging that poor girl at the diner.”

A roguish grin appeared on his face and he leaned in a little closer to you, as he recalled the last trip to the diner. “You mean the teenager that openly flirts with me?”

You hummed, fake glaring at him and adding in an eye roll just for good measure. “Well, you’re simply too charming when your order. Batting those big blue eyes of yours. Being overly polite. That poor girl.”

“Don’t tell me you’re jealous.”

“Me?” You fake gasped, gesturing wildly now trying to sell your fake outrage. “Never have I ever been jealous of something like that in my entire life.” You didn’t miss how he snorted with a concealed laugh, the edge of his mouth quirking a little but you carried on. “Our regular waitress completely ignoring me despite having been there more than a dozen times. Her taking your order and not mine, who would be jealous of that? Besides a lady doesn’t get jealous.”

Bucky’s quiet and brooding facade had fallen, his mouth quirked up on the edges his voice turned into a breathy half laugh and smile lines you loved were on full display as his eyes crinkled at the edges. “Where’s a lady? I just a sailor in a dress.”

That earned him a gasp and whomp on the arm as you laughed at him. You’d been in the middle of a Julia Childes marathon, a woman not unlike your grandmother, when you’d recounted the tale of the woman reprimanding you and distinctly telling you that even sailors didn’t curse as much as her granddaughter. “I told you that one time in confidence mister.”

“Doesn’t make it any less funny, doll.”

Your nose wrinkled in fake irritation, but your hand squeezed his knee in kind. “You’re impossible, James. But seriously, I’d like you to stop by later tonight if you’re not busy.”

He smiled back at you, making your heart flutter in your chest. “It’s a date.”

Across the table Sam cleared his throat you glanced back over at the two, immediately feeling your face heat, you had forgotten they were even there. Steve was looking between the two of you with a dreamy smile, his eyes soft behind the fake glasses he wore where Sam held up his cell phone after taking a photo or two. “You both make me sick,” he said, giving his best smart-mouthed grin.

You busted out into laughter in spite of how red your face had to be. Beside you Bucky reached for your hand, giving a little tug. “Avert your eyes children,” you said between giggles and leaning forward, you kissed him sweetly, hand sliding up against his thigh and tipping your head just right he deepened the kiss pulling a sigh from you. You broke away from him smiling against his lips his eyes heavy-lidded and pupils were blown, maybe if things went well tonight you’d be able to say you’d done more than just kiss the man.

“I have to go,” you whispered against his lips. “But I’ll see you tonight, swing by at six and bring that scotch you were talking about. I haven’t had a good scotch since Edinburgh you know.” Your thumb traced under his eye softly as you tore yourself away from him.

Flashing a friendly smile at both Steve and Sam you noted the blush on both of their cheeks now as you clipped the bandana back around Starr’s neck. “It was wonderful to meet both of you. I hope to see you guys again!” 

Going to stand you were startled when all three of them stood with you, a small laugh escaping you. “You gentlemen have a great afternoon.” You said shaking their hands once again and began to steer Starr between the chairs and out the patio gate, pausing you smiled at Bucky giving him a pointed look. “I’ll see you later sweets.”

He returned your smile and the butterflies in your chest went crazy. Before you said something else you started down the sidewalk back towards your apartment and couldn’t stop smiling. You’d just technically had lunch with three superheroes, two of the most important people in Bucky’s life, and now planned on making that first move towards intimacy with your mate. 

After you’d left Bucky’s face fell back into his usual mask of indifference, or at least he thought it did, the waitress brought out the food for the three of them. Eating and avoiding the topic of you as best they could, the chatter switched back to usual topics of conversation about the previous mission and plans for the evening.

But he was distracted, pushing the food around on his plate and eating without saying much of anything as he tried to nail down the feeling he had. It wasn’t strange, it wasn’t new either, more like something he’d forgotten for a long time. Happiness? Was this what happiness felt like?

He’d called you on impulse when he’d recognized you across the street as they approached. Sam had to stop for a pair of sunglasses at a shop after Bucky had knocked them off his head by accident. He stood outside the shop and he’d watched you as you read in the chair. The way you sat and smiled, with each page you read, the slight widening in your bright clear eyes, and the way you would squirm in the chair or absently smooth your hair. Just seeing you made him feel lighter like he could do anything and be anything. 

“I think we all know what you’re doing tonight, Tin Man,” Sam teased, shoving a chip into his mouth. “You know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen your face look like that before.”

Bucky’s brows drew together in confusion as he popped the last bite of sandwich into his mouth, “Like what?”

“Happy.”

He stopped mid-bite, shifting his gaze over towards Steve. He looked, almost proud. “I like her Buck, she’s a good person. She’s good for you.”

Bucky couldn’t help the small smirk, “Thanks, Steve.”

With a raucous laugh, Sam clapped Steve on the shoulder and mock sniffled, “Our baby boy is growing up.” Steve shook his hand off his shoulder with a laugh.

Nodding his head at Bucky Steve smiled at him, “I’m happy for you Buck.”

Before Steve could say much more Bucky felt heat wash over him. It started from his gut, a wave of nausea then spread out through his entire body making Bucky’s heart race. He shot to his feet, his knee slamming into the table and rattling the silverware. Both men looked at him with startled and wide eyes, but his heart was hammering in his chest; what the hell was happening.

“Holy shit,” came Sam’s voice his hands held up in a need to almost calm him. “Are you alright man?”

“Buck, what’s wrong?”

The people around him were murmuring, but their gazes weren’t on him it was set in the distance. His hand gripped at his chest, he knew this feeling it was a panic attack. A gasping shuddered breath escaped him, but it wasn’t him having it was it. “It’s not me,” he rasped out, trying to control the feelings swamping him.

Both men looked at him confused as loud sirens tore around the corner, heading in the direction of your apartment. Watching them as they went past an icy cold worry slid into his gut. “It’s not me.”


	6. Burning It Down

The plan was infallible.

Step one, cook a romantic dinner for two.

Step two, open the scotch and converse.

Step three, take Bucky’s pants off.

Easy. Small bullet-pointed steps in your brain as you thought through your evening. Sure there was bound to be a few snags in between but you were sure you could make it through them and keep the mood going. Confidence was your ace in the hole. That was until you hear the sirens.

Standing at the meat counter of the bodega a block away from your apartment Starrs leash clutched in your hand as you stood with a basket of items for the dinner you’d planned, you watched as the trucks zoomed past. Sirens wailing loudly and your heart thumping in your chest. 

With wide startled eyes, you turned towards the butcher who signaled for you to go, dropping the basket you rushed out the door. Watching as the trucks turned at your street corner, the wail of sirens hovering corner. You could smell the smoke from here, panic gripped your chest when you saw officers pushing back a crowd that had gathered at the end of the block. 

Breaking into a run you rounded the corner as your worst fear was realized. Bright red and orange flames licked up the side of the building as smoke poured out from a few windows on the west side of the brick and mortar building. Firefighters dashed back and forth in the blocked-off street, jumping over hoses and climbing the exterior fire escapes. People were being escorted out of the building, gasping and choking for air, vision blurring with tears as you saw your elderly neighbor being carried down the front steps. The scene was absolute chaos. 

There was a tightness in your chest, your breathing came out in gasps and your heart began to pound in your ears. Reaching down to your purse, shuffling things around looking for a familiar pill bottle, and finding none. With dread, you realized you’d taken it out weeks ago and it sat on the counter of your apartment. Instead, you pulled out your phone, fumbling with the keypad, and selected Jo’s name. “The building is on fire,” you shrieked into the phone when she picked up. “I don’t know what to do Jo!”

“Oh my god!” Jo shrieked back, you could hear the anger in her voice though as a muffled string of Spanish escaped her, no doubt talking to her mother. “Is Starr in there?”

“No. No, I have her with me today,” panic gripped you harder as you looked down at your dog. Your hand carding through your hair as hot tears started to spill down your face. “I don’t know what to do Jo I’m having a panic attack. I don’t have my medicine.”

“Shit,” she cursed over the phone. “Okay, okay first we need to calm you down. Take a few deep soothing breaths, you need something you can touch, start petting Starr and try to focus on your breathing. It’s just an apartment,” she said, soothingly over the phone. “You’re alright, I’m alright. We’ve got this Chika, okay. There’s nothing to worry about at all.”

“Okay, okay.” You mumbled through the receiver, the tightness in your chest not going away. But your breathing did even out.

“Are you feeling a little better?”

“Y-yeah,” you mumbled the lie out.

“Alright, I have to ask you is our side of the building on fire?”

Gaze flicking back to the building you spotted the window of your apartment, still intact but wet. “N-No it’s the west side,” you said hurriedly into the receiver. “What do I do Jo? I-I’ve never seen anything like this before.”

“Take a deep breath and ask one of the officers for help, they’ll know what to do and take your information. Just try and stay calm and let them do their job okay.”

“Okay,” you whispered into the phone, tears pouring from your eyes.

Somehow you’d managed to hang up the phone with trembling hands, you’d wandered across the street and pressed yourself against the wall, trying to be as small as possible while Star nestled herself between your legs, pushing her head into your hands in an effort to calm you. Your breath came out in gasps, brain feeling sluggish and hazy with panic and fear, anxiety rising in your chest and thundering against your rib cage, drowning out all other feelings.

Flinching you thought you’d heard someone shouting your name through the crowd. “Y/N!” It came again, lifting your head you couldn’t see from the ground so you stood up. 

Three bodies pushed through the crowd, searching the crowd of people; but one was parting the people in his wake, pushing past them without apology head on a swivel, vintage Dodgers hat frantically looking left and right. “J-James,” you half-shouted, voice cracking as fresh tears springing to your eyes. 

Bucky’s head snapped over towards you, you could see his blue eyes narrow and it made a half sob rip from you as you covered your mouth. He barreled through the enormous crowd that had gathered and your feet carried you as fast as you could slamming into his chest with a sob as his arms wrapped tight around you.

“It’s okay, doll. You’re safe it’s alright.” He whispered against your hair, as he peppered your face with kisses. A shaky sob erupted from inside your throat as you clung tightly to him he was your saving grace.

“I almost… I almost stayed home…” you choked out into his shoulder, fingertips digging into his back trying to hold him as close as possible. “I could have left her behind.”

“You didn’t though,” he said, cupping the sides of your face and made you look at him. His blue eyes were full of matching anxiety. “It’s alright Y/N. You’re both safe and it’s alright.”

Your knees were shaking when you risked a look over Bucky’s shoulder, he was right. You were safe, Jo was safe, your dog was safe, that’s what mattered. A wave of foolishness swept over you. “I’m stronger than this,” you whispered against him more to yourself than for his benefit. “I’m stronger than this, I can do it. I can do anything.” His hands tightened around your shoulders as he placed a kiss above your ear.

“I know you are a doll,” Bucky affirmed, his voice rumbled whisper against your ear. “You’re so strong. I know.”

With a shaky exhale your death grip on Bucky slackened, sniffling you took a short step away. His hand came up to wipe a few stray dollops of tears away. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone cry as big of tears as you, doll.” He said offhanded.

It worked in pulling both a half laugh from you and a watery smile as you leaned into his hand. Looking down you saw your dog sitting beside you, your eyes following the blue leash up and into Sam’s hand. He was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, watching the crowd of people, turning you could see Steve who stood talking to one of the officers near the fire line.

“I’m sorry about your lunch,” you whispered, voice cracking when you looked at Sam.

He flicked his attention over to you for a brief moment, then back his stance shuffling a little into a more relaxing pose, “It’s alright,” he assured. “Not like this one was going to let us do anything else once he felt you through the bond.”

The bond, with a gasp you realized that Bucky had been feeling every ounce of your anxiety and you hadn’t even bothered thinking of him. Eyes searching his you felt a prickle of calm begin to filter in, washing over your anxiety like a soothing balm and it brought fresh tears to your eyes. Your bottom lip began to tremble, “I’m sorry.”

Nagging thoughts surfaced quickly, you didn’t deserve a man like Bucky, he was too good for you, it was your fault you were unstable, what could you do. Guilt spiked fast and hard, but Bucky’s brow furrowed and he reached out holding your cheek and the slow tide of ease began to push through you again, destroying the storm of anxiety and panic inside of you. The bond between you both was extraordinarily strong, and with shame, you realized you’d been muttering the same thing on repeat as he held your face in his hands. “I’m sorry I’m a mess.”

The smallest of sad smiles twitched at the corner of Bucky’s mouth, “You’re my mess remember.”

A small bubble of laughter came up and you gave him a watery smile. You could feel Sam’s eyes on you both now, as you wound your arms around Bucky once more, pressing your ear against his chest and listening to his rapidly beating heart. “You have the saddest damn eyes I’ve ever seen by the way,” you said in a whisper, barely loud enough for him to hear.

“I think you’ve got me beat doll,” he said, smiling into your hair as he placed a kiss on the top of your head.

There was a clapping of shoes against the pavement and you released Bucky in time for Steve to come jogging up to you all, “Fire department says it was an electrical fire on the second floor, the west side of the building. Everyone got out on time. It’s almost under control, but it won’t be habitable for a while there’s a lot of water damage.”

“Shit,” Sam echoed, dragging a hand over his face.

You couldn’t have said it better, your tired eyes surveyed the building, smoke billowed out of the windows still as firemen continued spraying water into the building. A long and exhausting sigh pulled from you as you rubbed your eyes, limbs feeling weak after such a hard panic attack. “It’s just stuff,” you said finding yourself echoing Jo. “Lots of thrift store finds and a few sentimental things but the fire was on the opposite side of the building so something might be salvageable. Jo is out of town. Nobody was in the apartment. Nobody is hurt. That’s what’s important.” 

But what were you going to do now, with the apartment gone you’d have to stay somewhere; maybe a hotel or a shelter if the insurance company paid for it. A shiver ran through you as you thought about calling the insurance company, “What am I going to do now?”

“You’re coming back with us,” Bucky rumbled from beside you.

Turning so fast you almost gave yourself whiplash, your eyes wide with surprise and shock you tried to sputter something unintelligible about a hotel. His brows drew together, “I’m not leaving you at a hotel. There is enough room at the Tower for one more person and her dog. You’ll be safe and it’s close enough to your job you won’t be inconvenienced.”

“He’s right,” Steve echoed from beside you. His blue eyes shined from behind the glasses he wore and a small smile quirked the edge of his mouth. “If there’s one thing we do is look out for our own, and that includes you now to Y/N.”

Gaze drifting to Sam he gave a subtle shrug, “Sorry you’re in there’s no turning back with these two.”

Grateful didn’t even begin to cover how you felt as Bucky took hold of your hand in his own, giving a comforting squeeze. It was going to be okay, you were going to be okay.

After giving your apartment number and contact information to the police for notification you noticed that Bucky hadn’t let go of your hand the whole time. Drawing strength from your connected hands as he rubbed circles into the back with his thumb. He’d let you go reluctantly to make a phone call to Jo to let her know what was happening.

“I might as well stay until we can find a new place,” she sighed into the receiver. “Where are you going to stay? Do I need to call the insurance company and arrange for a hotel?”

“Uh,” your eyes flicked over to the three Avengers standing on the sidewalk patiently waiting for you as they gave you privacy. Bucky’s eyes drifted over to you and he gave you a reassuring smile. “I think I’m going back to Bucky’s place,” Jo screamed into the phone and you yanked it away from your head as the boys all turned to look at you. Flush with embarrassment you swallowed hard, “Could you not scream on the phone please?”

“Oh damn girl. You’re going back to Bucks place for a little bow chica wow wow,” came the excited laughing reply. 

“It’s not like that you perv!” You whisper snarled into the phone, her laughter echoed over the line as she said something in Spanish that sounded suspiciously like gossip. “Don’t tell your mother that shit!”

“Oh come on Chika,” she whined, you could practically see her pouting face now. “My place just burned down let me have a little fun.”

That stung, “Sorry Jo.”

“Look don’t worry about it, everything we had was mostly thrift store finds anyway. Plus the renter’s insurance covered fire and water damage, we’ll get enough for the place to start over believe you and me. I’m going to look for a new apartment in the meantime, you go and enjoy your love nest.”

“It’s not a love nest,” you bit out through a growl much to Jo’s amusement. “If they let us in the apartment do you want me to grab anything for you?”

“Yeah, can you grab my Jimmy Chus?” She laughed into the receiver as if their entire lives together didn’t just get soaked in ash and soot. “I’ll send you a list tonight in case they let you back inside. Other than that, don’t worry about it Chika. I know you. You’re worried already just take your medicine and focus on getting your mates pants off.”

“Jo don’t say that please,” you whispered into the phone your eyes flicking to Bucky who was watching you with a curious look on his face. “I love you, Jo. I’ll call you with another update soon.”

“Love you Chika, like I said try not to worry but keep me posted okay. Get your medicine refilled. I’m going to stay here for a while longer until I can find us a new apartment. Have fun riding your…”

You hung up the phone, unwilling to hear yet another sexual innuendo from her. Your mood had lightened after talking to Jo and her reassurance that nothing was really lost, just wet. But your logical side knew that the feelings were set to boil over again and soon, hopefully by the time they did you would be somewhere safe and have your medicine. With a sigh, you made your way back over to the boys. Bucky holding tight to Starrs leash as she obediently sat on his foot. “Jo is staying at home and going to look for a new apartment. She’ll text me a list if they let me back in to get stuff.”

Looking down at your phone you punched up the login for your prescription from the pharmacy, finding one in Manhattan and placed a refill order. To your disappointment, it notified you that it wouldn’t be ready until the next day, so much for instant relief. Bucky tugged at your hand as the train crawled to a stop and the three of you boarded.

Steve had insisted on literally holding Starr while on the subway as the five o'clock rush started to pour in and push against you, it was amusing to see Captain America holding you fifty-pound dog like a baby through each stop. Steve and Sam had their backs to you and Bucky with a few passengers separating you. 

Bucky held you close, each jostle and bump on the track making you rub against him and eventually your hands dropped from the bar above you to just holding tight to him for support when more riders crammed in your car. His pulse quickened under your fingers as he pressed you closer to him in the cramped car. The smell of his sandalwood cologne pushing a calm over you that had your eyes drooping in exhaustion. After a thirty-minute ride, you’d made it to Manhattan, the tower within short walking distance.

Craning your neck you looked straight up at the gleaming glass building, your feet coming to a stop behind the boys and their steady pace to get back home. Swallowing nervously you wrung Starrs leash in your hands as a breeze whipped through the square ruffling your dress and making Starr whine. The reality of everything began settling into your belly. You didn’t have anything but your dog, the clothes on your back, and some stale Altoids in your purse. 

Bucky called your name, his voice drifted over you and pulling your eyes back to the ground. He stood a few feet away, the guys had gone ahead and were little dots at the front doors. Just the way he would say your name made your heart flutter in your chest every time, his concerned gaze fixed on you ready to help you at a moment’s notice. “Are you alright?”

“I’m okay,” you whispered, your eyes drifting from him to the skyscraper. “I’m just, overwhelmed.” Your hands wrung the end of Starrs leash as you stood there, your gaze dropping back to Bucky who stood holding his hand out. Without a moment’s hesitation, you reached out slipping your fingers through his and joined him step for step as you walked into the tower.

The interior reminded you of your office, marbled walls, a desk and the hustle and bustle of men and women in suits and heels. It wasn’t just a home for the Avengers it was the temporary headquarters for intelligence operatives and the rest of the Initiative as they waited for the compound to be rebuilt. The slew of eyes that fell on you when you’d entered the building made you nervous, still holding tight to Bucky’s hand he pulled you over towards the private elevator.

If this was what it was like to live in the tower no wonder Bucky was anxious to get back to the compound. When the doors slid open and you walked inside Starr paused, shaking her head and pulling at the leash. But with a firm command to come, she did so, sitting proudly atop both yours and Bucky’s feet. Doors sliding closed your hand sought out Bucky’s metal one. 

“How can I help you, Mr. Barnes?” A feminine voice echoed around the elevator.

“The suites FRIDAY,” he asked the AI system.

By the time the elevator reached the top floor your stomach was in knots. You’d almost burst from the elevator ready to feel the solid floor under you again, wobbling slightly as you stepped out onto the marble floor your hand letting go of Starrs leash and gave a gasped, “Geh spielen.” Letting out a shaky breath you doubled over, placing your hands on your knees trying to ground yourself. Bucky’s hand began rubbing smooth circles into your back.

“I’m sorry about the elevator,” he soothed, leaning down next to you. “I know you don’t like them much but I don’t think you’d want to climb up more than seventy flights of stairs.” 

A shaky laugh left you as you straightened back up, exhaling heavily out of your mouth as you watched Starr make her way around the space. The dog sniffed everything and anything she could; the space was enormous with chairs, couches, and a giant television on the far wall. The exterior wall comprised of nothing but floor to ceiling glass windows overlooking the New York skyline, a set of stairs separating the kitchen from the rest of the living space. 

Voices drifted in from the kitchen, the large stainless steel appliances gleaming in the afternoon light as Steve stepped into view, opening the refrigerator and taking out a bottle. He stood talking to a woman and the moment Starr heard his voice she trotted over towards him, past whoever was walking towards you tail wagging and tongue lolling in anticipation of seeing her new best friend.

“What’s this,” he questioned, not breaking stride as he pointed at your dog then up at you. “Who are you?”

To your credit, you held it together pretty well when you had met Steve and Sam earlier. But the second the Tony Stark stood in front of you, wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a faded Zeppelin t-shirt you were more than just star-struck you were speechless.

“This is Y/N,” Bucky introduced once he realized you were absolutely rendered mute.

“Oh the soulmate, how could I forget.” He rambled off, reaching out and shaking your hand firmly. “There’s one thing I like to do is stay up to date on everything happening and you’re pretty popular around here nowadays, specifically with this guy. Is that your dog?”

The rapid-fire information made head spin and your nose wrinkled in mostly displeasure at having to try and wrap your brain around everything he rambled out. “I-I’m sorry what?”

“The dog.”

“Oh, um, yes she’s, she’s mine.”

“Huh, always pictured you getting stuck with a crazy old cat lady Barnes,” Tony snarked as he pushed the button for the elevator and stepping inside as it opened. “Heard your place burned down. Tragic. Make yourself at home. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got places to be.” 

The elevator doors closed as he gave a slight wave of his hand. Standing with a dumbfounded expression on your face it quickly turned into confusion and distaste.“Wh-what the hell was that!” You exclaimed gesturing to the doors and becoming more confused as Bucky was looking at you like you’d just hung the moon for him. “Why are you making that face?”

Failing to realize that your awestruck face was purely at odds with the displeasure you felt at meeting one of the most famous people on the planet and its ability to ring all the way through your bond. And judging from the warm feeling you were receiving he thought your reaction was perfect.

“Come on, let me introduce you to everyone else,” he gestured towards the kitchen where when you came around the corner about a half a dozen people sat or stood at the counter chatting. 

“FRIDAY,” Steve’s voice echoed from the kitchen as he popped back up from behind the kitchen island. “Can you make sure that Starr doesn’t wander out of the elevators.”

“Absolutely Capitan Rodgers, I’ll add her to my database.”

“If I didn’t know any better I’d say your in love with my dog Steve,” you teased as you came into the room. Nausea swept into your gut when all eyes fell on you and you wished you’d kept the teasing quip to yourself. A snort of laughter escaped Bucky as you came to a stop at the edge of the counter.

Even though everyone standing here was recognizable Bucky went through introductions anyway. His warm hand resting against the small of your back, “Y/N, this is Clint, Wanda, Nat, and Vision.”

Putting forth one of the best smiles you could muster you turned on your default charm, the defense mechanism switching on immediately and you knew Bucky sensed it when his hand tightened ever so slightly against you,“It’s nice to meet all of you. I’m sorry to show up unannounced, my building caught on fire and…”

The words trailed off and your gaze faded away slightly as you started to zone out, brain going into absolute shut down mode. And what exactly? Your life was in shambles now? You were homeless? Someone cleared their throat, snapping you back to reality with a few rapid blinks. Everyone standing there giving a comforting smile.

Vision was the first to speak, inclining his head with a slight smile, “You’re always welcome here Y/N.”

“Yeah, I mean, it happens sometimes,” Clint replied with a shrug, scratching at his chin in thought. “Buildings catch fire all the time, nobody was hurt so it’s fine.”

“What’s important is that your okay,” Wanda said, sadness dripping on every word as her hand covered yours.

Across from you Nat shrugged leaning forward on the counter. “Look at the bright side. Least you get a new wardrobe out of it right?” Instantly you recognized her voice from the phone call with Steve a few days ago and it made a small smile appear on your face. “And I’m sure an upgrade in an apartment wouldn’t be too bad either.”

A dry laugh bubbled up in your throat, “A new wardrobe would be nice. As for a new place, I don’t even know about that yet.” Blinking back tears as best you could, Bucky’s hand came to rest against your back rubbing in a soothing circle as you tried and failed to hide your trembling hands behind the counter. “T-Thank you all, for letting me stay here.”

With a few waves of their hands everyone passed off you being there as second nature, the overwhelming tide of emotions started to swell again and turning your eyes towards Bucky you prayed to whatever god was listening that he’d know enough to help you. The moment his blue eyes caught your own he absolutely got the hint, his hand pressing a little more firmly against your back to guide you. “Come on,” he said, his voice barely above a murmur. “I’ll show you where you’ll be staying.”

“He means his suite,” Clint quipped, no doubt trying to lighten the mood and earned a pinch from Nat. “Ouch! Jeez, Nat.”

Snorting with laughter you glanced in their direction, despite the tears threatening to overspill. Able to catch both Nat’s pointed look at the man and the displeased downturn of Bucky’s mouth but it turned into a half-smile at the sound of your barely concealed laughter. He whistled, turning his head slightly, “Mitkommen, Starr.” Starrs happy trot followed you both down the hall. 

When Bucky opened the second to last door you could have laughed when you glanced around, the place looks exactly like you’d imagined it would, spotless. There wasn’t anything out of place, in fact, it hardly looked lived in save for a few articles of clothing draped here and there along with rumpled sheets on the bed against the far wall and scattered stacks of papers on the table.

“Y/N,” his voice drifted over you softly.

“It’s nice, just like I pictured it to be,” you whispered, voice shaking slightly. Hands trembling you felt the tides of anxiety rise again, finally in a place, you don’t have to pretend and could actually let that block down. But you were still nervous about the bond, how would Bucky feel during your full-on impending meltdown. “I-I’m okay.”

“Now you’ve said that enough I know that’s not true,” he tossed his jacket and hat onto the table littered with papers.

A shaky breath wooshed out of you and you tried to calm your heartbeat again, “This is not how I pictured today going at all.”

“I know doll,” his gaze was sad as you met it. He reached up, gently moving the hair out of your eyes. “But we’ll get through it together.”

“Together,” you affirmed swallowing the lump in your throat. Nausea swept up into your throat and you swallowed around the lump forming. “That sounds…”

“Your heart is still racing Y/N, tell me what’s wrong and how I can help?”

“Y-you can hear my heartbeat?” Your voice squeaked out, feeling your face heat with embarrassment.

He nodded his mouth turned down at the edges. “Can you tell me what it is?”

“I-I…” you faltered, the pleading look on Bucky’s face makes you want to reach out and comfort him when you were the one who needed it.

Could you even tell him what was wrong? Did you know enough to put it into words? The anxiety spiked in your chest, crushing down anything and everything you were feeling. Exhaustion prickled at the back of your mind and anger that your actual plans for tonight had been completely trashed. All you wanted to do was crawl into bed, cry for a few hours, and sleep. 

“Will you hold me?” Bucky’s brows rose in surprise at your question and doubt flooded you. “I mean you don’t have to, I’m being stupid, aren’t I. Nevermind forget I said anything.”

Blue eyes softened as a sigh left him, “Naw babydoll, I’ll hold you all you want.”

“Oh.” A shuddering breath escaped your lips when he said that, your hands clenching and unclenching, you were trying hard to wrestle your demons down to shove the impending explosion of emotions back. If only you had your medicine, any bit of the benzodiazepine would snap you right back into feeling better and more stable, helping you process what was happening instead of the constant cacophony of emotions whispering through your mind.

Bucky took a few steps towards you, his hands resting on your elbows when you placed your hands up to stop his advancement; whole body shaking as you tried in vain to control the attack. The pounding of your heat slamming into your ears as you squeeze your eyes closed, vision begins to blur.

“Breath doll, just breathe it’s alright,” he soothed.

A shuddering breath rattled your lungs, not even realizing you’d stopped, eyes opening you searched his face for a brief moment, bottom lip beginning to wobble. The tremors in your limbs, making it feel as if you were going to vibrate out of your skin. Bucky looked utterly helpless as he stood there, unsure what exactly he should be doing if anything. 

There was a rough nudge against your leg, Starr attempting to get your attention and nipping at your hands. Eventually coming between you and Bucky, standing on her hind legs and pushing against you with her front paws. Hands drifting down you dropped to the floor with the dog, as a broken sob burst from your chest; you wished you could tell Bucky that everything would be okay once you were done, that you needed to do this. It was the only way for it to pass but all you could do was bury your face against the dog and cry. 

Bucky stepped away lingering for a brief moment as you sat on the floor. A wracking breath escaping you while you pulled the dog closer. The world narrowed down to a single point, overwhelming blackness reaching for you and you struggled against it. Dark thoughts you’d banished before began to creep up into the forefront of your mind. Weighing you down. No sound reached your ears in this place. No smells. Just the feeling of your dog’s soft fur against your face grounding you into reality.

The lucid part of your mind cursed you for taking your medications out of your purse, it was rule one. Things had been going so well, you were doing so good. Everything was bright, no episodes in more than eight months, your therapist said you were doing amazing. He’d praised your progress with your episodes and even commended you on reaching your goals. 

Now the cup had run over. 

Like it always did.

Leaving you stranded.

Searing anguish pulsed through the bond and into Bucky’s chest, threatening to swallow him whole. He wanted nothing more than to comfort and protect you as you sat tiny and helpless on the cold tile floor. Forcing himself to step away after you buried your face into Starrs soft fur he began to busy himself with preparing the comforts you would need. 

After that day in the diner, he’d come back and punched up the tiny acronym into the search bar of his phone and started reading the slew of articles and medical papers. It was partially what made him realize he exhibited many of the same symptoms. That he’d been going on without much help or medicine; compartmentalizing things into tiny boxes, just like you’d said.

You were the reason he sought help. You were the reason he wanted to be better. You were everything and if he could find some way to help you should the worst happen and you were to relapse, he wanted to be capable.

During his weeks of research, he’d found resources and suggestions on, of all things, a Reddit thread on how to handle a relapse or trigger. He’d been so grateful when you’d stepped away that day in your apartment. He wasn’t sure what it was that had spiked his own anxieties, but you trusted him to work through the panic attack, not hovering around him and letting him hold your dog as he calmed down.

Bucky wanted to emulate that, so he put effort into making the bed. Fluffing out the blankets and arranging them as best he could before turning and glancing over at you; the emotions through the bond were beginning to wane as he pulled out a fresh shirt and a pair of boxer shorts from his dresser.

Sitting on the floor you sniffled, anxiety and despair receding being replaced by utter exhaustion. Something touched the back of you or arm, you didn’t respond right away, basking in the relief that some of the stemmed tide. Warmth began to spread from your chest, it was strong enough to make you gasp against Starr, eyes snapping open wide. 

“That a girl,” came the praise from your left. Turning your head Bucky was crouched beside you. His blue eyes understanding and calm sporting a lopsided smile, a t-shirt clutched in his metal hand as he rubbed circles over your back with the other. “Hey doll, do you want me to hold you?”

Nodding your head with a whimper your arms tightened around the dog who shifted further into your embrace. 

“Come on then,” Bucky coaxed gently, waving the shirt a little. “Let’s get you into something comfy.”

Arms tightening around Starr he noticed and smiled warmly at you, pushing what he hoped were calming emotions through the bond. “Starr can come too. It’s okay.”

Cheeks burning with embarrassment you realized that with him speaking to you like this, trying to comfort you, it had to be like talking to a baby deer or even a child. But his smile didn’t change, neither did his extended hands. Slowly you began to lessen your grip on the dog and shifted towards him. “That’s my girl,” he said gently, his flesh hand touching your elbow as you stood. He held a pair of boxer shorts out for you to step into. 

“These first,” he rasped, holding them low.

Hands reaching out and bracing on his shoulders you stepped into the shorts, and he pulled them up around your waist under the hem of your dress. You felt hollow, your mind unfocused and detached from what was happening but you knew that you should be happy 

“Now the shirt,” Bucky mumbled, his fingers grasping the edges of your dress. He said your name a couple of times before your eyes caught him again, the blue depths comforting but concerned. “Is this okay?”

Nodding you lifted your arms waiting for him to pull it over your head. He did quickly, his gaze not lingering but making sure that your arms and head went through the holes of his shirt before he pulled it down. You were wrapped in the smell of him now, warm sandalwood tones washing over you. Helping to pull you a little more from the depths.

Bucky had turned around folding your dress neatly and laying it over the back of a chair. When he turned back around he was surprised to see you over at the bed already, knelt down you unsnapped your bra pulling it off your body and through the armholes of the shirt dropping it at the side of the bed, ready to sleep off everything. 

Standing at the edge of the bed Bucky looked afraid to move at all, the sunlight still poured through the windows in the late afternoon but you could feel your eyes growing heavy as you sat on the bed blinking owlishly up at him. If you were any more coherent you’d have been giddy with the thought of being in Bucky’s bed but all you could think of was sleeping.

Eyes drifting up towards him you realized he was waiting for you, so you reached up making childish grabby hands at him and he smiled sliding under the covers and up against you. Once he was down and in the sheets you wiggled closer to him, his vibranium arm wrapped around your back holding you closer, flesh hand lacing his fingers with your own. It was soft and intimate the way he held you as if you’d break at any moment. 

“Doll are you going to be okay?”

“Yes, the worst is over. I had to let it out, I’m so sorry Bucky. I don’t have my meds,” you confessed snuggling closer to him with a sigh. “It wouldn’t have been as bad if I had them. I’m sorry I had to put you through that Bucky. You don’t deserve that.”

“S'okay doll,” he murmured against your forehead. “Just figured our first time in bed together would go different.” A small tremor of laughter went through you and you could feel him smile against you. “There’s my girl.”

Laying against his chest you could hear his heartbeat, soothing strong, and comforting against your ear. The cool metal of his arm against your back grounding you, your eyes started getting heavier. “Thank you, Bucky.”

“For what doll?”

“For everything.” Bucky pressed his lips against your forehead again, as your body relaxed giving out to the exhaustion you felt and letting sleep finally claim you.


End file.
